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# The Zombies Are Already Here & This is My Survival Kit

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I think Will Ferrell speaks for all of us here.

### A few days ago, a prominent anti-gunner opined that the zombies aren’t coming. I say they’re already here.

The Coronavirus pandemic is still raging, and that means that the hoplophobes over at the Giffords organization are scrambling like 10 roosters on one hen. During a time when anti-gun governors are trying to close gun stores even as they open up the jails, that’s a pretty tall order–after all, there’s nothing like a natural disaster to remind us all that in times of crisis, we have to be our own first responders. Against a backdrop of record-setting gun sales, one Giffords gun-grabber–a retired ATF agent who is clearly longing for the days when he got to confiscate firearms personally–took some time to chastise America for daring to buy firearms during a natural disaster. “I don’t think the zombies are coming,” he sneered in an interview with Cheddar news.

Roll up your sleeves, Chipman. We’re looking for bite marks.

I’m now going to let you in on a little secret that we gun writers use to interpret what the anti-2A types are saying. It’s really quite simple; just assume that literally everything they say is a lie including “and” and “the,” and you’ll have a decent picture of what’s actually happening. (Think of it like Occam’s Razor, a corollary we’ll call Munson’s Shovel.) By that rubric, the zombies are here and Chipman is one of them. I know that sounds pretty off-the-wall as conspiracy theories go, but bear with me here…just imagine that instead of a relentless pursuit of braaaaains, these zombies are mindlessly in search of guuuuuns to grab. So I’m going to go ahead and stockpile whatever I want whenever I want (even if it’s “cans of beef jerky,” which apparently Chipman thinks is a thing).

After careful observation, I’ve determined that the zombies we’re dealing with here are shufflers who follow Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide rules. That means that they’re slow-moving and not sufficiently sentient to deal with complex problems like opening doors or reading the Bill of Rights. They can’t see very well, either, but their sense of hearing is undiminished and they use it to home in on their prey. So here is the survival kit that I’ve designed to keep me safe from the limping, mindless, groaning hordes…

What if I don’t realize the zombies are in the house until it’s almost too late? Well, I don’t want to have them following the sound of my pistol–I’ll use that as an absolute last resort–so instead I’m using a tactical shovel to fend off zombies at close range. Anyone who hasn’t read Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide may not understand that zombie skulls are sort of soft and rotten and that a well-wielded entrenching tool will take out what’s left of their brains just like a lobotomy (which is why Brooks and I call it a “Lobo”). I like this one from American Gunner because it can be used as a shovel, a cutting axe, a shovel, or a hoe–and it stores cool survival tools like a firestarter and compass. At the time of this writing, it appears they have it for $45. Yes, that will do nicely. #### 4. The Quisling Behavior Modification Device (a.k.a., the “Punisher Skull Knuckle”) Another important thing to remember about the Zombie Apocalypse is that some people, although uninfected and still perfectly healthy and human, break under the strain. They decide, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” and they actually convince themselves they’re zombified…and they will attack and bite other sentient humans. Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide tells us that these mentally ill collaborators are called “Quislings” in honor of this a-hole here. Here’s the thing about the Quislings…they’re definitely dangerous even if they aren’t contagious, but every dead human being becomes a zombie soldier. That’s why we try to keep them alive even as we defend ourselves from them as necessary. I think a nice tap on the noggin with this bad boy ought to knock some sense into them. #### 5. The Precious Cell Phone Juice In this Zombie Apocalypse, many if not most cell towers remain intact but there are periodic energy blackouts depending on whether the shufflers managed to break into the power plants that feed your local area. The ability to communicate with my fellow survivors, watch porn, access survival information, watch porn, plan for the weather, watch porn, and watch porn is going to be critical for me, so I’m ensuring I never run out of cell-phone power with a solar charger. I like this one because it can charge phones, laptops and cameras and it comes with an emergency solar-powered flashlight. Right now, they have it for$29, and it’ll get you out of just about any zombie plot Hollywood can throw at you.

So there you go, anti-gunners…now I’m off to go eat beef jerky right out of the can, with a spoon.