A few days ago, a prominent anti-gunner opined that the zombies aren’t coming. I say they’re already here.
The Coronavirus pandemic is still raging, and that means that the hoplophobes over at the Giffords organization are scrambling like 10 roosters on one hen. During a time when anti-gun governors are trying to close gun stores even as they open up the jails, that’s a pretty tall order–after all, there’s nothing like a natural disaster to remind us all that in times of crisis, we have to be our own first responders. Against a backdrop of record-setting gun sales, one Giffords gun-grabber–a retired ATF agent who is clearly longing for the days when he got to confiscate firearms personally–took some time to chastise America for daring to buy firearms during a natural disaster. “I don’t think the zombies are coming,” he sneered in an interview with Cheddar news.
I’m now going to let you in on a little secret that we gun writers use to interpret what the anti-2A types are saying. It’s really quite simple; just assume that literally everything they say is a lie including “and” and “the,” and you’ll have a decent picture of what’s actually happening. (Think of it like Occam’s Razor, a corollary we’ll call Munson’s Shovel.) By that rubric, the zombies are here and Chipman is one of them. I know that sounds pretty off-the-wall as conspiracy theories go, but bear with me here…just imagine that instead of a relentless pursuit of braaaaains, these zombies are mindlessly in search of guuuuuns to grab. So I’m going to go ahead and stockpile whatever I want whenever I want (even if it’s “cans of beef jerky,” which apparently Chipman thinks is a thing).
After careful observation, I’ve determined that the zombies we’re dealing with here are shufflers who follow Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide rules. That means that they’re slow-moving and not sufficiently sentient to deal with complex problems like opening doors or reading the Bill of Rights. They can’t see very well, either, but their sense of hearing is undiminished and they use it to home in on their prey. So here is the survival kit that I’ve designed to keep me safe from the limping, mindless, groaning hordes…
1. The Bug-Out Bag Itself
My needs for a bug-out bag are simple: I want lots of pockets, places to carry my firearms and ammo, and enough MOLLE to hobble a whole herd of zombies. Ideally, there’s room for a first-aid kit, water purification system, firestarters, and “cans of beef jerky” (okay, Chipman, ya got me on that one). I like this one from Evatac, which they call the “Assault Bag.” It’s got chest and waist straps so it’ll stay secure while I run like hell–okay, more like a brisk walk–away from the zombie horde. Right now they have it for as low as $29.
2. The Long-Range Rifle
Shuffling zombies can and do follow the sound of a gun’s report, so unless you were able to obtain a suppressor before the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, your rifle is going to be best used at long range. I’ve chosen the Steyr Scout, and here’s why: It’s available chambered in calibers capable of taking any North American game, slim and manageable, with multiple sling attachments so you can use the sling to improve your snap-shot aim. The Scout also boasts extra magazine storage and back-up sights built right in to the rifle. It retails for $1,699, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you can win one right now with our Stay Home, Stay Safe Giveaway. Click here to enter!)
3. The Tactical Entrenching Tool (a.k.a., the “Lobo”)
What if I don’t realize the zombies are in the house until it’s almost too late? Well, I don’t want to have them following the sound of my pistol–I’ll use that as an absolute last resort–so instead I’m using a tactical shovel to fend off zombies at close range. Anyone who hasn’t read Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide may not understand that zombie skulls are sort of soft and rotten and that a well-wielded entrenching tool will take out what’s left of their brains just like a lobotomy (which is why Brooks and I call it a “Lobo”). I like this one from American Gunner because it can be used as a shovel, a cutting axe, a shovel, or a hoe–and it stores cool survival tools like a firestarter and compass. At the time of this writing, it appears they have it for $45.
4. The Quisling Behavior Modification Device (a.k.a., the “Punisher Skull Knuckle”)
Another important thing to remember about the Zombie Apocalypse is that some people, although uninfected and still perfectly healthy and human, break under the strain. They decide, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” and they actually convince themselves they’re zombified…and they will attack and bite other sentient humans. Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide tells us that these mentally ill collaborators are called “Quislings” in honor of this a-hole here. Here’s the thing about the Quislings…they’re definitely dangerous even if they aren’t contagious, but every dead human being becomes a zombie soldier. That’s why we try to keep them alive even as we defend ourselves from them as necessary. I think a nice tap on the noggin with this bad boy ought to knock some sense into them.
5. The Precious Cell Phone Juice
In this Zombie Apocalypse, many if not most cell towers remain intact but there are periodic energy blackouts depending on whether the shufflers managed to break into the power plants that feed your local area. The ability to communicate with my fellow survivors, watch porn, access survival information, watch porn, plan for the weather, watch porn, and watch porn is going to be critical for me, so I’m ensuring I never run out of cell-phone power with a solar charger. I like this one because it can charge phones, laptops and cameras and it comes with an emergency solar-powered flashlight. Right now, they have it for $29, and it’ll get you out of just about any zombie plot Hollywood can throw at you.
So there you go, anti-gunners…now I’m off to go eat beef jerky right out of the can, with a spoon.
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.