Just a few short days ago, I interviewed Joe Biden’s imaginary friend Dog Face Pony Soldier for our sister publication, Freedom’s Lodge, in an effort to understand just what goes through Biden’s mind from the expert–the plastic mounted cavalry soldier who has been living as one of the voices in Biden’s head since his childhood. Just a few days later, America was shocked and intrigued when, during the February 25, 2020 Democratic presidential debates, Biden announced that 150 million Americans have died as a result of gunshot wounds since 2007. This morning, I caught up to Dog Face Pony Soldier (we’re buds now, I’ve been calling him Dog) in an exclusive, explosive interview that just might change everything.
Guns & Gadgets Daily: Dog, seriously. What happened last night? Where did Little Joey get the “150 million” number?
Dog Face Pony Soldier: Could you speak a little more quietly, please? My head is killing me. Where’s the aspirin?
GGD: No, really–I’m getting a little worried, Dog. The real number of Americans who died as a result of gunshot wounds committed with firearms in the last 13 years is 373,663. Your boy Biden had it wrong by a factor of 200. Where did he get that insane number?
Dog: Hic. Well, I was hanging out in Biden’s corpus callosum last night trying to escape the encroaching waves of Milwaukee’s Beast, which was a lost cause, it caught up to me eventually, hic–and I met a new friend. His name is Decimal Dick’s. Maybe you should talk to him.
GGD: Hi, Decimal Dick’s! I’ve never heard of you–can you tell me a little bit about who you are, and how you got here?
Dick’s: Well, you know, I used to be one of the voices that hangs out in Mike Bloomberg’s head. I moved in there one day back in 2012 when Mikey was reading a PowerPoint presentation about how limiting the number of ounces of soda a New Yorker should be able to buy at a time would really boost individual soda sales, because that’s what happens when you ban things, and how much extra tax NYC could collect as a result.
GGD: Okay, I know that Bloomie just loves Dick’s so much it makes his mouth water…so it sounds like a pretty cushy place for you to hang out. Why are you in Biden’s head now?
Dick’s: It’s tough to talk about, but Mikey and I just had a really ugly breakup. I’m a decimal, and it’s my job to keep all the zeroes behind me in line. I’m all about math, facts, and statistics that make sense. Opposites attract, you know, and so Mikey and I were pretty hot and heavy for a while until he started ignoring me. It all came to a head when I caught him in flagrante delicto on our black leather couch with Levi’s and a Moms Demanding Hot Action gun safety instructor. So I moved out, into Biden’s mind. It’s kinda nice in here–lots of empty space.
GGD: Okay, so can you explain what happened last night? Why did you let Joe Biden inflate the number of Americans who were died as a result of gunshots by 2,000%? That’s three decimal points!
Dick’s: Well, first of all, I made the mistake of moving onto the couch in Biden’s forebrain. That was where he stashed the three pre-debate martinis, so I was already a little wobbly by the time we hit the stage. Then we got there and I saw Mikey, and it was just too much. Why doesn’t Mikey love me anymore? I was all ready to be his helpmeet…his right arm…his running mate. I mean, I gave up so many decimals for Mikey! Two hundred and fifty million decimals, in fact, after I announced that I was going to melt down all the AR-15s in my inventory and never sell guns again just to make him happy!
So when Biden finally got his chance to talk, I was on the forebrain couch watching Steel Magnolias, eating rocky-road ice cream, and sobbing, “Two hundred fifty million precious decimals, just gone, just gone, and all for nothing.” I guess Biden both overheard and misheard me.
GGD: So what’s next for you, and for Dog Face Pony Soldier? Do you plan to remain the voices in Biden’s head permanently now?
Dick’s and Dog: Of course! Just wait until you hear about Joey’s new gun-control plan that we cooked up for him. Here’s a sneak peek!
Well, that’s it for the exclusive interviews–we got quite the twofer today! Dear readers, what do you think the voices in Joe Biden’s head will get him to do next? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.