BREAKING: Biden’s Dog Face Pony Soldier Explains “150,000,000” Remark
Just a few short days ago, I interviewed Joe Biden’s imaginary friend Dog Face Pony Soldier for our sister publication, Freedom’s Lodge, in an effort to understand just what goes through Biden’s mind from the expert–the plastic mounted cavalry soldier who has been living as one of the voices in Biden’s head since his childhood. Just a few days later, America was shocked and intrigued when, during the February 25, 2020 Democratic presidential debates, Biden announced that 150 million Americans have died as a result of gunshot wounds since 2007. This morning, I caught up to Dog Face Pony Soldier (we’re buds now, I’ve been calling him Dog) in an exclusive, explosive interview that just might change everything.
Guns & Gadgets Daily: Dog, seriously. What happened last night? Where did Little Joey get the “150 million” number?
Dog Face Pony Soldier: Could you speak a little more quietly, please? My head is killing me. Where’s the aspirin?
GGD: No, really–I’m getting a little worried, Dog. The real number of Americans who died as a result of gunshot wounds committed with firearms in the last 13 years is 373,663. Your boy Biden had it wrong by a factor of 200. Where did he get that insane number?
Dog: Hic. Well, I was hanging out in Biden’s corpus callosum last night trying to escape the encroaching waves of Milwaukee’s Beast, which was a lost cause, it caught up to me eventually, hic–and I met a new friend. His name is Decimal Dick’s. Maybe you should talk to him.
GGD: Hi, Decimal Dick’s! I’ve never heard of you–can you tell me a little bit about who you are, and how you got here?
Dick’s: Well, you know, I used to be one of the voices that hangs out in Mike Bloomberg’s head. I moved in there one day back in 2012 when Mikey was reading a PowerPoint presentation about how limiting the number of ounces of soda a New Yorker should be able to buy at a time would really boost individual soda sales, because that’s what happens when you ban things, and how much extra tax NYC could collect as a result.
GGD: Okay, I know that Bloomie just loves Dick’s so much it makes his mouth water…so it sounds like a pretty cushy place for you to hang out. Why are you in Biden’s head now?
Dick’s: It’s tough to talk about, but Mikey and I just had a really ugly breakup. I’m a decimal, and it’s my job to keep all the zeroes behind me in line. I’m all about math, facts, and statistics that make sense. Opposites attract, you know, and so Mikey and I were pretty hot and heavy for a while until he started ignoring me. It all came to a head when I caught him in flagrante delicto on our black leather couch with Levi’s and a Moms Demanding Hot Action gun safety instructor. So I moved out, into Biden’s mind. It’s kinda nice in here–lots of empty space.
GGD: Okay, so can you explain what happened last night? Why did you let Joe Biden inflate the number of Americans who were died as a result of gunshots by 2,000%? That’s three decimal points!
Dick’s: Well, first of all, I made the mistake of moving onto the couch in Biden’s forebrain. That was where he stashed the three pre-debate martinis, so I was already a little wobbly by the time we hit the stage. Then we got there and I saw Mikey, and it was just too much. Why doesn’t Mikey love me anymore? I was all ready to be his helpmeet…his right arm…his running mate. I mean, I gave up so many decimals for Mikey! Two hundred and fifty million decimals, in fact, after I announced that I was going to melt down all the AR-15s in my inventory and never sell guns again just to make him happy!
So when Biden finally got his chance to talk, I was on the forebrain couch watching Steel Magnolias, eating rocky-road ice cream, and sobbing, “Two hundred fifty million precious decimals, just gone, just gone, and all for nothing.” I guess Biden both overheard and misheard me.
GGD: So what’s next for you, and for Dog Face Pony Soldier? Do you plan to remain the voices in Biden’s head permanently now?
Dick’s and Dog: Of course! Just wait until you hear about Joey’s new gun-control plan that we cooked up for him. Here’s a sneak peek!
Well, that’s it for the exclusive interviews–we got quite the twofer today! Dear readers, what do you think the voices in Joe Biden’s head will get him to do next? Tell us in the comments!
If a criminal commits a violent crime with a stolen gun, who’s fault would it be?
A) the criminal
B) the NRA
C) the gun maker
D) the gun owner
E) the bullet manufacturer
F) the victim
G) Trump and his posse
H) white people
I) the city, county, and state
Answer: All except “A”
Although Biden’s numbers were short by a hundred million lives, I believe he was thinking about the fact that Governments killed over 262 million of their own disarmed people in the 20th Century…So he is sort of correct as it was the Governments that used guns to commit acts of violence! Which leads to a real question: Please tell me again why Governments should be the only ones with guns?
Control.
The 150 million is just a typical Biden gaff. What he needs to be called out on is the lie immediately preceding the gaff where he states that the gun industry has “absolute immunity” from law suits. In many ways they are more liable than the drug manufacturers that he compared them to, not less.
Well, he’s been a bit distracted; after all, he;s busy running for the Senate in 2020.
Makes perfect sense to me, but, If a gorilla shoots an alligator with an AR-15 while an illegal alien child’s transgender parent is trying to figure out which bathroom to use will an Eggo waffle work as a windshield wiper? Just askin………
No.
If the guy jumps off a twenty story building then shoots himself in the head on way down,and lives then hits pavement dying on impact while it is covered in raccoons killing twelve of them on impact then bleeds out from the gun wound,is he going to be cited for killing the raccoons out of season,and is that a gun violence death…?
Coons got seasons?
Where does the 373,663 figure come from? Undoubtedly the 150M number is absurd. I don’t have my data in front of me right now but even the 373K number is more than twice what I’d expect the number to be for the last 13 years. To get 300K+ for a 13 yr period we’d have to be in the 1990s or counting suicides not just homicides.
MCH
In the gun death world, suocides ARE homicides.
Bob,
Agree that number may include suicides (so all deaths by firearms) but the article specifically says homicides for the 373K number, which isn’t correct.
MCH
Yeah, that was all supposed to say “deaths by gunshot wound,” as it is in the first paragraph. Fixed now.
I think you’re right.
There, I just did something Bloomie and Joey won’t ever do!
Joe who?
Yeah, I’m with “Smitty” on this one. A ‘wasted-space’ article, much like Biden’s “Air-headed” comments…
Very interesting read. Biden and Bloomberg are two bloviating, pompous and self serving fools. They offer nothing to American citizens but hot air and free candy. Put them here!
“bloviating” !!! Oh hot diddly, I learned a new word today! What’s it mean, anyways?
This: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=547UklSIRhY
This article is juvenile and a waste of time. I like GOOD satire but this was well……as stupid as the guy it’s written about.
Why thank you! Think I oughtta run for office?
The…you GOT it!
Biden, who would/should need a House Painter. At His House!
Joe Biden was the author of the No Gun Zone law passed in 1990. This law is the real cause of mass school shootings, which “enables and guarantees a successful mass shooting every time” by making everyone in the public school system absolutely defenseless. This law also guarantees the shooters’ safety since they alone have weapons! Politicians passed this law and created the school mass shootings by removing all safeguards protecting the children. This law doesn’t apply to private schools which have their own armed security. There have been no mass shootings at private schools in the same 30 year time period (1990 to 2020). The victims and parents of school shootings should realize that it was this anti-gun legislation that murdered their friends, teachers and others.
Interesting. Never thought about private schools before. Many private colleges are viciously anti-gun but you’re right. I have not heard of a “mass shooting” at a private school, either at the local level or college level. Nor at a charter school, as far as I know.
This man is a total waste of time, he’s finished !
For me, the problem is…looking at the clown show last night, Dumb Old Joe was actually the one who would do the least harm to the country. THAT is scary!27
Apparently, sir, you have underestimated the voter base of the garden variety, average IDIOT. Eight years of Obama should be a reminder……………………………..