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5 Guns I’mma Buy When I Hit the Mega Millions



It’s finally my time to win; I can just feel it.

When I win the Mega Millions, which is about 1.6 billion at the time of this writing, I am going to buy guns. Five guns. These guns.

This morning, when I was purchasing the Mega Millions ticket that is definitely going to be the winner (seriously, the rest of you might as well just not buy any more), I started thinking about which guns I intend to buy with the money. Now, despite the fact that Mega Millions is up to 1.6 billion bucks, I won’t get to keep it all–what with taxes, the enormous billboards I will have erected over the homes of all the girls who wouldn’t go to Homecoming with me, student loans and the like. So I’m thinking that paying the world’s finest necromancers to reanimate Samuel Colt to build me a revolver made out of Chuck Norris’ beard is probably out of the question. But I should still have plenty for these guns:

1. Krieghoff “Da Vinci” K-80

Yes, that will do nicely.

As the writer of this article about the Krieghoff K-80 mentions, “The 2018 Krieghoff Gun of the Year is entitled “The da Vinci.” It was commissioned by Alamo Sporting Arms and engraved by Creative Art. This custom treasure spectacularly illustrates the life of Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) on the 500th anniversary of his death.” What the writer of that article doesn’t include is the MSRP, which I assume is code for “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.” Well, when I hit the Lotto, I won’t have to ask.

2. Purdey 20-Gauge Over/Under

Eat your heart out, KAREN.

This Purdey 20-gauge over/under…well, I don’t think I’m allowed to call this a “shotgun.” I’m pretty sure I have to call it a “fowling piece.” This is the kind of fowling piece that is so expensive that, should you be able to afford it, you will actually be allowed to own and shoot it even in places like Great Britain. According to the post matter-of-factly describing it on, this gun’s “‘E. C.’. Purdey non selective trigger, raised rib tumbler end cocking indicator, non automatic safety, and case hardened o/u action with rounded bar. Action and lockplates are ‘extra finish’ engraved with full coverage shaded, large, flowing, scrolled acanthus. Matching scroll engraved trigger guard with SN at grip, extends to hard rubber cap. European walnut capped semi pistol grip stock that is finely marbled with a leather covered pad.”

And for the low, low price of $79,500, this Purdey will make a certain former cheerleader very sorry indeed that she checked the “no” box on my “Do You Like Me?” note.

3. Perazzi DC12 Standard SXS

Do I look like “just a friend” now, Brandy?

This Perazzi Standard DC12 SXS, is, according to its listing on, a proven winner: “WINNER AT 2013 NSCA NATIONALS IN SIDE BY SIDE DIVISION DC 12 Standard 12 ga. 31 1/2″ mod/full fixed choke barrels. Concave rib. SC3 wood upgrade. Prince of Wales grip. Beavertail forend. DAC 1 1/8″ DAH 1 7/8″ LOP 14 3/4″.” At just under $16K, this fine shotgun is one of the more budget-friendly ones we’ve had on this list so far, but it’s still plenty good enough to make Brandy wish she’d said “yes” to a night of Homecoming romance, Trace Munson style.

4. Steyr Carbon CLII Rifle

If it’s good enough for Survival Lilly, it should be good enough for Jenny from First Period.

Just as with that Krieghoff at the beginning of this article, the Steyr website currently has the Carbon CLII rifle’s MSRP listed…nowhere. But, because those billions of dollars are already burning a hole in my Carhartts, I am not the slightest bit worried. Soon, all of that precision Austrian engineering, top-quality materials processing and pin-perfect accuracy will be mine, all mine. And Jenny from First Period will really be wishing she was, too.

That brings me to #5, which is the last gun I’ll buy when I win the Mega Millions. Unlike the first four, this one won’t be about showing all those cheerleaders that they made a mistake turning me down. No, this is the actual gun I’ll actually carry, and admit to owning…because other than Jenny, Brandy, and Karen, I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve gotten above myself!

5. Springfield Armory XD(M) in 10mm

See? I’m just a regular guy like you. Only richer.

At $650-$775 or so, the brand-new Springfield Armory XD(M) in 10mm offers all of the quality you need in a daily carry, without making people think that it’s OK to hit you up for loans or look at you expectantly when the check comes. I mean, even though I’ll have won the lottery, it’s kind of expensive to keep a purpose-built bank-style gun safe at the right humidity, so maybe I can spot you $20 next week but definitely not today, Larry. For more information on the pistol, as well as a video documenting its 10,000-round torture test, you can visit Springfield Armory’s site here. For a more in-depth (and slightly NSFW) review, click here

What guns would you buy if you were to win the Mega Millions (which you won’t, because I will)? Tell us in the comments…and don’t forget to sign up for our Greatest Generation of Guns and Gear Giveaway and the Trigger Your Confidence Giveaway. They cost nothing to enter, and the odds are a lot better than 302,000,000:1.


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