The latest Dick’s news to pop up is their upcoming legal battle with Battle Born Munitions, whom Dick’s (allegedly) tried really hard to short.
For everyone who’s wondering what Dick’s has been up to, it seems that they’ve popped up in the news with an upcoming legal battle in which the plaintiff, Battle Born Munitions, has some allegations of extremely unsavory Dick’s behavior. According to the linked GunsAmerica article:
“The lawsuit makes the case that Dick’s Sporting Goods warehoused Battle Born ammo – under Dick’s Field and Stream house brand – in an attempt to inflate their stock value.”
It appears that in the course of trying to artificially inflate Dick’s drooping stocks, the retailer accidentally exposed a number of shortcomings. First, although it’s not particularly strange that they’d try to hold back certain loads here and there (particularly in Crazy, Utah), it is very strange that they didn’t even bother leaving any money on the dresser for their faithful supplier. In fact, it seems that they just cast them aside like Kleenex.
This Dick’s behavior left Battle Born Munitions with an ominous burning sensation in their wallets as the shortfall in funds caused other deals to fall through for the ammunitions manufacturer.
“Everything Dick’s is into stinks,” said an industry insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
In just under 60 seconds, a record even for him, SpokesDick Jimmy Drips spewed back. “Dick’s is proud and turgid to announce that our rejection of the Second Amendment has been a girthy, bulbous success.” Continued Drips, “There’s no need to artificially inflate our stock when we’ve erected such a proud pants pyramid of sensible sales practices.”
“This is just the latest in a series of Dick’s moves,” spat the industry insider. “Like, everyone knew they’re Dick’s; nobody wants to look too closely at them or risk an eyeful. This latest attempt at shoring up their sagging stocks just proves that they’re neither growing, nor showing.”
Will this latest Dick’s slap in the face finally be too much for their shareholders to stomach? Do you think their stocks will droop further? Have you heard any good jokes lately? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.