Today, we have a guest column from our resident gun-control expert Ima Nidiot, human wind tunnel and personification of the word “moist.” Take it away, Ima!
Hello to all my favorite bitter clingers! Ima Nidiot here to give you a little inside peek into how we, your intellectual betters, are able to elect politicians with anti-gun-“rights” agendas (golly, I hope the politicos I’m working so hard to support never get around to taxing scare quotes). I know what you’re thinking: This is going to be a very short column unless Ima knows a lot of different synonyms for “dead people.” And you’re wrong, you deplorable person you. Here’s how it’s done:
1. Don’t Talk About It
You may have seen this embarrassing news story recently. As you can see, gun control is actually a super popular issue with Americans; people just love the idea of having their right to keep and bear arms infringed! That’s why it’s so important to be quiet about your gun-control agenda in the run-up to an election. It’s pretty much a given that once you start talking about making it illegal, for example, to own the most popular kind of rifle sold in the U.S., people will be so happy that they just won’t hear any of the other planks in your platform. And that will really do your proposed tax on scare quotes a disservice; it’s a critical piece of social engineering that your audience deserves to hear about. (Wait, what?)
2. If You Must Talk About It, Make Sure Nobody Knows What You’re Actually Talking About
Sometimes your gun-control candidate might slip up and say something about gun control in front of a hot mic. So that’s why, if they absolutely must discuss their gun-control ideas, it’s crucial that your pet politico uses special phrases to do so. For example, instead of saying “semi-automatic magazine-fed rifle,” say “assault weapon.” Instead of saying “3D-printed firearm,” say “ghost gun.” It doesn’t matter if the phrase actually has any real definition, or if that definition is wrong–just make sure that it sounds like the title of a straight-to-video horror movie from about 1987. That’s because people don’t want to be bothered with the details; they just want to wake up tomorrow morning in a world free of assault, ghosts, and scare quotes. (Uh…is that tax retroactive?)
3. Get Out the Vote!
A crucial part of any gun-control victory is 100% enfranchisement. So it’s key to ensure that all of your voters are able to get to the polls and make their voices heard, even if those voices have previously been silent as the grave. For starters, make sure that your district’s Deceased-Americans have transportation to the polls. Make sure your Pining For the Fjords neighbors are registered, and know where their polling place is. You’ll get terrific results by doing some local campaigning in their community…it’ll cost you some shoe leather, a tin of Vicks VapoRub and a few dings in your shovel, but it’s so worth it to connect with your most loyal voters.
So, now that I’ve educated you “gun “rights” activists,” this is Ima Nidiot, signing off! (And not a moment too soon. I need to go figure out where this massive tax bill came from…)
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