My Can’t-Fail Plan to End Mass Shootings Forever
It’s simple, it costs nothing, and it’ll work better than what we’re doing now. Hear me out…
What’s always struck me the hardest after each headline-grabbing mass shooting is that murder of this type really seems to be the only kind of crime in which the public’s reaction is to blame all of the people who didn’t do it. I used to think that it was just human nature–we all need some outlet for our anger and grief, and it used to be that mass shooters were rarely taken alive. So people had nobody to turn their anger on, and that’s why law-abiding gun owners and the organizations that represent us wound up catching the brunt of society’s rage. I don’t believe that anymore, especially because more and more of the mass shooters seem determined to stick around to watch the aftermath of their crimes. Even when they don’t, they’re more and more likely to leave manifestos explaining why they did what they did.
And the 24-hour news cycle eats it up like my ex-wife with a gallon tub of Dippin’ Dots. While that’s happening, we’re all subjected to endless pictures of the murderers, interviews with their neighbors, dramatic readings of their writings…and are thus made unwitting accomplices to their crimes. Because no matter what these people say was their motive, they all basically have the same underlying desire: They want attention. So here’s my fail-safe, fool-proof plan to end mass shootings: Let’s give them what they want. Good and hard.
Mass Shooters Now Get Nicknames Like Hurricanes, Only Way Dorkier
Even 20 years after the massacre, everyone still knows the Columbine murderers’ names. This simply will not do. I propose that we institute a system in which each new mass shooter gets a nickname, much like a hurricane. Unlike a hurricane, however, these nicknames should be torn straight from 3rd-grade recess: “Booger Stache.” “Fartbubble Biter.” “Skidmark von Dickcheese.” It’s kind of hard to cast yourself as a countercultural hero when nobody knows you as anything besides “Bicycle Seat Sniffer” anymore.
Mass Shooters In Prison Get Their Own Radio Show
They killed a bunch of innocent people because their mommy didn’t love them or Susie turned them down for Homecoming. Let’s let them tell us all about it from prison, where they will have a microphone in their cell going 24/7. There’s just a couple of small twists. First, their voices will be digitally altered to sound like the Squidbillies cousin nobody talks about. And second, they’ll never know when they’re being broadcast. Will viewers be treated to their angry ranting about how Susie had it coming for saying “no”? Or will we all get to listen to them grunting one out on the khazi? Who knows? Maybe they should have thought a little harder about other ways to be famous.
Mass Shooters Get Their Portraits Professionally Done
It’s a problem for the news media: They have to use some sort of image to illustrate their article or TV segment. But broadcasting the face of a mass shooter is really too much like the kind of attention the shooters want, so it’s a no-go in my book. Instead, let’s arrange for that political-cartoon guy who draws Trump like an animated sphincter with mange (so, all of them) to throw together a nice, professional-looking portrait for the mass shooter. Preferably complete with the nickname. This should be the only image anyone ever uses for the shooter, ever again. If their court appearances are televised, the caricature should be superimposed over their face (and the Squidbilly voice substituted in as well).
None of this is about punishing the individual mass shooters; we have a justice system for that. This is about making sure that any wannabes get the message loud and clear: Do it, and not only do you face life in prison or the death penalty, you’ll also go out as a complete and total joke. And not even a good one.
You ever notice that every mass shooting or high profile shooting criminal when referred by the media has their middle name used? It’s like when your mom used your middle name, you knew you were in trouble.
Do away with gun free zones that allowed these shootings in the first place, if they don’t know who has guns to take them out quick, They won’t come
Better still, DO NOT even say his name at all, Use “Suspect” or “Perp” NEVER their name even if they are killed either by their own hand or LE. Do not let his name out at all!
I say, No identity at all. No trial. No nothing. Cut their Achilles and throw them in a pen with a bunch of starving hogs. They will then be taken care of.
My wife is of the opinion today’s video games are responsible for the behavior of these mass murderers. I, personally, think the Deep State has inserted subliminal messages in today’s social media sites, (and maybe video games as well), “programming” these shooters, trying to magnify the anti-gun atmosphere so they can ram through anti-gun statutes and propositions circumventing our Second Amendment rights to further their agenda of tyranny and despotic rule of the entire world
When I think about these mass shooting., I kind of compare it to streakers at baseball game. Once MLB quit showing the streakers, the streaking stopped. As a parent if your child wants attention, getting attention for doing something bad is still attention. So if media stop glorifying the shooters. Also if they can’t get a gun, these deranged individuals will run people over with their cars. Just my thoughts.
This read – waste of time.
Agreed, NO attention for them unless Leftist media gives it to them
Then no more reason to shoot up.
What a waste of time. Just punish them in public – hanging is my choice.
Outstanding, Sir! You have a clear focus on the situation. Deny these wannabes any sense of gratification for their lunacy. Force feed it to them. Give them nothing that they want and everything they don’t want. I agree, it will bring these episodes to a screeching halt.
Phil in TX
Best suggestion,no names or notoriety,just give them a number. A quick and quiet trial is all that’s needed. Without cameras, interviews, and headlines, there is no celebrity status. Sentences are carried out right away. Thirty or more years in solitary,(if not execution),would give be time to realize he is nothing!
When I saw the title I was thinking in a totally different direction. It should be illegal to establish any gun-free zones that are not drowning with armed guards to provide the protection. I understand when the government doesn’t want mad customers, that would be us, bringing guns into government offices, but they tend to have armed guards posted around the place. Same should be a requirement of any non-governmental entity wishing to ban armed citizens.
Maybe, but I’m not willing to bet anyone’s life to try that method. How about we make failure a forgone conclusion? If the attacker doesn’t get his body count, he’s less likely to try at that location. If you had a SWAT team in every school, the attacker would think twice before trying. Very effective as a deterrent, but not affordable. If there was a system that was as effective but affordable should we try it? If there was a way to delay or restrict the attacker from entering a building (the places we learn, work, play and pray) would that do some good? How about once the attacker is in, and spraying bullets down the hallway, what if we could triage the wounded much sooner, would that help? The answer to all 3 questions is yes! These are available and ready. If you’re interested, check out Templar Life Safety.
I have been saying for years that the news shouldn’t let terrorists claim responsibility for attacks. Also not to say the name of a mass shooter without the prefix “The pathetic loser ______”.
I guess we agree on that.
That would be great, except the news media would consider that to be bullying. Then the individual or individuals feelings would be re-hurt and the cycle would start all over again. Then people like you and I would be the blame for their behaviors. I think that the suspects should be turned over to the families of the victims and they should be the final decisions of their fate, Be it that they themselves get to inflict punishment or shred them into pieces. Closure being the final say.
I think i like this guy
Exactly, mock them, anti hero them, show them to be losers
Actually, there was an author in the 80’s who proposed much the same thing. Dean Ing wrote “Soft Targets” about terrorism and how media was giving the terrorists what they wanted: Attention. While not as humorous as your proposal Mr. Ing’s media made fun of the terrorist and their ineptitude: “.. so this idiot plants a bomb to try and blow up the stadium. It goes off, and sadly four people were injured, but this moron had a stadium of 15,000 people and can’t even build a device that works! Can you spell LOSER?” Same idea, different application.
I agree, we need to stop giving these people the notoriety and attention they want. This would also protect their families, who feel absolutely terrible and are hounded by the media for the “So, how did it feel when you found out your son shot six people in could blood?” questions. The families of the shooters are as much a victim as the relatives of the people who are shot.
I’ve been saying for years that the media should refer to them as (in numerical order) as FL Dumb shit #23, Chicago Dumb shit #9863 (Chicago get’s their own sequence), WA Dumb shit #42, etc. That way there is no names, no attention, and who the “f” cares.
There is a lot to be said in favor of Trace’s posting, however, the SOBH’s (Society of Bleeding Hearts) will doubtless be offended by his words.
Lovin’ it! Gonna share this one for sure.