How to Translate “Gun Reviewese” to English
Ever wondered what those stock phrases you see in gun reviews really mean?
If you’re a fan of gun reviews, chances are you’ve noticed there are certain things that gun writers tend to say a lot. Chances also are that you took those things at face value. But, if you’re hip to the lingo and know what to look for, there’s much more information to be gleaned from your average article describing the process of testing a new gun. So here’s a handy cribsheet for you to help you translate “gun reviewese” to English…
Gun Reviewese: “I found recoil sharp, but manageable.”
English: “I wrote this review one-handed because my wrist is still throbbing two days later. You know how some people say a gun ‘kicks like a mule’? This thing kicked me like I was the mule, and I was rented. This gun’s recoil was so intense that after I fired the third shot my twin brother called me up crying and begging me to stop because he could feel it. If I ever get mugged, though, this is the gun I want to have on me…I’ll just threaten to force the mugger to pull the trigger on this.”
Gun Reviewese: “After a few failures to feed, I discovered that this gun is a little picky about ammunition.”
English: “This gun is basically the firearm equivalent of those crazy concert riders that divas and rock stars give venues. This gun not only wants six dozen fresh, ivory-colored roses and a sushi platter, it wants you to pick all the brown M&Ms out of the bowl and not make eye contact with it. This gun is even more expensive to feed than Trace Munson’s ex-wife.”
Gun Reviewese: “After experiencing [some problem], I called the manufacturer and they recommended…”
English: “…that I should wait for them to send me a new one.”
Gun Reviewese: “I found the slide operation to be a bit stiff, but after the break-in period I’m confident it will ease.”
English: “Racking the slide on this bad boy while maintaining a safe muzzle direction was, on the difficulty scale, somewhere in between Marine drown-proofing and doing a one-handed pushup while singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ in tune. I may or may not have turned purple, but I honestly couldn’t tell you because thanks to all the burst blood vessels in my eyes my vision is kinda pinkish right now.”
Gun Reviewese: “Certainly plenty accurate at self-defense distances.”
English: “As long as what you’re defending yourself against isn’t any further away than bad-breath distance. And by bad-breath distance, I mean ‘too much garlic in the spaghetti,’ not ‘durian fruit.’ The Weekly World News has reports on Batboy’s latest movements that are more accurate than this thing. I pointed it at the side of a barn and the barn escaped unscathed.”
What are your favorite gun-review euphemisms? Tell us in the comments!
“The accuracy was acceptable” — reviewer’s description of a fresh from the box Savage 110 rifle that consistently fired sub-MOA groups with every weight and type of ammo tried.
“This rifle’s accuracy is outstanding” — reviewer’s description of a Remington 700 that managed one almost-MOA group by discarding two “flyers”
Both from the same issue of the same magazine.
Not a bad article for a former dingleberry farmer.
This is the article that leaves me smiling.I’ll remember this every time I read a new weapon review!
Gun Reviewese: “The trigger seemed a bit stiff at first, but like most [insert name brand here] pistols, this should be fun to shoot eventually.
English: Yeah, and I should eventually be the shortstop with the Red Sox. But that’s not happening. The trigger was so stiff that my hands were shaking like I had Parkinson’s. But after getting used to it, my shot groups went from all over the backstop at the range to a mere two-foot circle.
Gun Reviewese: “Fans of this pistol will tell you that shooting this is an acquired taste.”
English: If muzzle flips that point to the sky, the palm of your hand stinging like a wasp got it, and sights that are harder to find than El Dorado’s gold are your idea of “acquired taste”, then I guess my taste buds were shot off in the war.
Gun Reviewese: “The accuracy of this pistol is legendary.”
English: Legend has it the pistol had to be hog tied to a lead sled and shot at 2 feet to hit the target.
Gun Reviewese: “You’ll want to get out to your local gun dealer to purchase this, since it will become really scarce when people find out how good it is.”
English: I wouldn’t buy this gun if I had to. The manufacturer gave me some up-front money to tell folks how good it is. Hell, I’d tell people it would cure cancer if they gave me enough cash.
Great article!
Love it! Want more!!!!!! Another one along the lines of :”Manufacturer’s site says MSRP and available soon.” actually means; “We are testing the market for how much people will actually pay for it, and it will available after we know how much and actually to get it to work reliably.”
How about “This is one of a limited series of this collectors edition of gun A”. Which means we are going to make 200 of these and try to sell them for an outrageous price and if we sell them all we may make this available at a much lower price without the pretty bells and whistles and collectors edition label to people who are not billionaires. The reason we call it a collectors item is you will need to keep this because you will never be able to sell it for half what you paid for it. You won’t want your wife to know you spent 6 months salary on a new gun that you never intend to shoot.