Foolproof Platform Suggestions For the Next Crop of Gun-Grabbers

Did you, or did you not, refer to Beto O’Rourke as “Beta O’ Dork”?

I feel like this election cycle’s crop of anti-gunners isn’t trying very hard. Here’s my “modest proposal” to help them kick it up a notch.

The run-up to the 2020 presidential election is well underway, and already, I couldn’t possibly be more bored. It’s not that the current crop of anti-gunners–Booker, Warren, Biden, et al–aren’t being loudly anti-gun-rights. They are, of course. It’s that, in my opinion, the gun-grabbers who are running are really missing a chance to demonstrate to the voting public just how committed they are to dismantling the Second Amendment. That’s why today I’m offering the first of many foolproof suggestions for their campaign platforms that I’m sure will emphasize their dedication to creating a violence-free Utopia right here on earth.

Let’s start with “red flag laws,” shall we? The idea, as you already know, is to scrape the social-media pages of all gun owners to make sure that they’re sufficiently stable and trustworthy to own a firearm, and so far the entire panel of presidential candidates seems to think that it’s one hell of an idea. So I propose (modestly, of course) that they institute some sort of central governing body to do the research and make all of the calls. After all, just asking Ms. Mann the girls’ softball coach to keep as close an eye on her charges’ social media as she does on their showering skills might be putting too much on her (admittedly quite sturdy) shoulders.

I’m thinking that, in the pursuit of a violence-free America, we ought to name that governing body something friendly. Something soothing, something that really lets everyone know they can trust this new bureaucracy. How about the Ministry of Love? We could call it MiniLuv, for short. Just imagine, gun-grabbing candidates: You could put thousands of unelected, untrained people in charge of monitoring the daily thoughts of their fellow Americans!

After all, it’s not as if America were founded on the freedom to speak one’s mind, even if those thoughts are unfashionable to have (or say mean things about Big Brother). The so-called “right to keep and bear arms” mentioned in the Second Amendment was only written for single-shot blunderbusses, and that means the First Amendment only covers whatever you can write on a piece of parchment using a quill pen and India ink. So if someone goes on their FaceySpace and says something like this:

I don’t think it’s just her cheekbones that are high, do you?

The MiniLuv can step right in and make sure that person (as well as anybody who clicked “like” or re-Tweeted it or whatever) hands over all their guns, and can’t ever purchase another! Due process? Who needs that, especially when there’s dangerous CrimeThink being spread?

What’s best about this Modest Proposal is that the anti-gun candidates of 2020 can assure their audience that the process will be every bit as impartial, cost-efficient, and reliable as the service they’ve come to enjoy from their local DMV. There’s simply no possible way that “red flag laws” or the MiniLuv that enforces them would ever abuse individual citizens and strip them of their rights based on a personal vendetta or the political leanings of the administration in charge.

Presidential hopefuls of 2020, I hope you’re taking notes! Remember, if you want a vision of a gun-free future, you need to imagine a Toms shoe stamping on a human face–forever.