Would you rather take a chance in a tiger cage, or within muzzling distance of one of Joe Exotic’s human harem?
For the last few weeks, Quarantine America has been held captive by two things: stay-at-home orders, and the Tiger King. The Netflix TV show has everything, from allegations of murder, to arson, to murder-for-hire, so it’s pretty obvious why we’re so captivated. But if you’re a gun guy like me, then the thing that’s had you pinned to your couch, wincing and groaning but unable to turn away, has been the gun handling. That said, right now Quarantine America features hundreds of thousands of new gun owners who have never had a chance to take a training course (because they’re all canceled, naturally). Here are the lessons they’ve learned from the TV show…we hope.
1. Yes, Tannerite is legal and it rocks. Now shut up about it.
There are several scenes in Tiger King dedicated to showing Joe Exotic and his polyamorous family shooting at the ultimate reactive target–Tannerite. Yes, Quarantine America, it’s perfectly legal to take this low-level (and very stable) explosive and shoot at it until it explodes in a fiery display of F*ckin’ Awesome. Every time someone makes a pile of Tannerite go boom, eagles cry tears of pride and gun-haters shiver like a goose walked over their grave. Now…let’s all shut up about it, okay? Do you know what happens every time the .gov figures out that we’re having fun? Do you want Tannerite to go the way of the bump stock (or Carole Baskin’s second husband)? No, you don’t, so let’s move on to the next one.
2. Hinge-action shotguns are not for mother-in-law eradication.
As the survivor of more mothers-in-law than I’d care to admit, this is a toughie, but here it is: Mothers-in-law are not groundhogs, squirrels, or the rabbits that have been eating your tomatoes. Firing your hinge-action .410 bore shotgun a few yards behind your mother-in-law’s feet as she scurries away is probably not going to endear you to her. Peppering her with falling shot after you shot the tree branches a few yards above her head is not going to be a fun family memory to talk about at Thanksgiving. (Plus everyone knows that a .410 isn’t enough gun for a mother-in-law.)
3. Never, ever, allow your muzzle to cover something you aren’t prepared to destroy.
Here is a listing of the things I yelled at my television from Episode One through Episode Four:
“Wow, you really can actually see the bullet if you look down the muzzle carefully enough.”
“Ooh, what caliber do you use to hunt cameramen?”
“Ahh! Ahh! I can hear the ocean in that muzzle!”
“Quit shooting your rifle at that lake, cretin–you’re gonna ricochet!”
“Wait! Wait you idiot! Some Rugers CAN fire without a magazine seated…oh no. Oh God.”
Luckily, the viewer is spared the images from that last one, as it happens off camera, but in some ways the shock and horror on Joshua Dial’s face as the merciless lens keeps recording the aftermath is harder to watch.
4. Joe Exotic really missed out on the best “tiger gun” out there.
What the hell, Joe? Here you are, claiming to be the Tiger King, and you don’t own the best tiger gun in the world, the Desert Eagle .44 Magnum in gold-and-black tiger camouflage? I mean, look at that beautiful pistol–what other gun could you possibly want on your hip if you’re entering a cage full of 400-pound apex predators with a powerful prey drive and teeth the size of my thumbs? Not just because the .44 Mag would be a darn good choice, but because the tigers would probably avoid biting you out of pure professional courtesy.
And that’s why we here at Guns & Gadgets Daily are offering our Exotic Tiger $4K Gun & Gear Giveaway! Not only can you win that Desert Eagle, but an entire case of ammo to keep it fed–no dumpster diving behind Wal-Mart necessary. The giveaway runs through May 7–click here to enter! It’s easy to do, and free to enter for everyone who’s legally allowed to own a gun…
…except that bitch Carole Baskin.
There was so much in this series that I know I missed something. What’s your favorite Tiger King gun moment? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.