4 Anti-Gunner Comments I Can’t Stop Laughing At, Please Help

My sides hurt, my cheeks ache, and I can’t draw a full breath…all thanks to these nimrods.

Every election season, the anti-gunners vie to see who can say the dumbest things about guns and gun rights–and every time, I fail to take the necessary precautions to safeguard my sides against the gales of uncontrollable laughter that ensue. The 2020 election season has been no different, and if current trends continue, I may need to keep an emergency supply of those ASPCA commercials featuring Sarah McLachlan handy…just as a precaution against death by LOL. After all, these are four of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard from gun-grabbers, and they were all uttered within the last three weeks. Consider this your fair warning!

1. Chucky Schumer and the “Wares of War”

Here’s a fun one courtesy of Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-umbshit), who is apparently looking for something new to ban in the state of New York. Although the population that lives Upstate is generally fairly pro-2A, the demographic weight of NYC has meant that Chucky and pals have been able to shove all sorts of gun bans down New Yorkers’ throats. But what about…a NOT gun ban? How about a ban on something that has never harmed or killed a human being, but has instead saved hundreds? Like body armor, for example! But don’t take our word for it; enjoy this little dollop of duh:

“Shockingly, with the click of a mouse, the scroll of a thumb or the dialing of a phone, just about anyone can order-up the kind of  advanced armor or tactical law enforcement gear we see used in wars or all-out law enforcement raids, and that is unacceptable and needs to change,” said Schumer…

Hey Chucky! Know what else I can buy the with the mere click of a mouse and no background check that’s more potentially lethal than body armor? Literally anything, that’s what.

2. The California Judge and “Virtually Indistinguishable”

What qualities make for the best judges? Wisdom, prudence, and temperance? I don’t know about you, but all my favorite jurists have absolutely no problem legislating from the bench about things they know nothing about. Bonus points if the information is available in 10 seconds or fewer of a Google search. According to this recent article, California District Court Judge Josephine Staton believes that “AR-15s are indistinguishable from machineguns.” I don’t think I can surpass the Gobi-dry sarcasm of the article I linked…

“…it is remarkable that Staton finds semi-automatic rifles indistinguishable from M-16s. Semi-automatic firearms fire one round for each function of the trigger. Machineguns, like the M-16, are capable of firing more than one round for each function of the trigger. Unlike so much of the law, this isn’t vague.”

…but I’ll try anyway. Dear Josephine Staton, J.D.: Shooting a semi-automatic is like when you count “how many” on your fingers. Shooting a machinegun is like when you count “how many,” but can’t, because you already took your shoes off and you can’t remember what comes after twenteen.

3. The LAPD Sergeant and the Gunicorn

I don’t know about you, but when I’m on the lookout for a new gun, I want the latest n’ greatest everything. That’s why I was so stoked when I discovered that, somewhere in Los Angeles, innovation has spawned a new kind of gun: One with a double-barrel magazine extended clip. Ohhh, yeahh. Let’s go to the video, featuring retired police sergeant and media bobblehead Cheryl Dorsey, helpfully catalogued by our friends at GunsAmerica:

“The problem is high-powered weapons. It’s weapons that go through walls in some instances, armory that officers wear. It’s the availability of a double-barreled magazine extended clips. Why would a regular person need all of that?”

WELL I WILL TELL YOU WHY I NEED THAT, CHERYL! Because, you see, up until this very moment any firearm featuring a double-barrel was incapable of firing more than two shots without reloading. I would love to have a nice side-by-side shotgun that somehow fed from an extended magazine (from below, I’m guessing), as well as from a clip (like an M1 Garand, from above)! Such an item would look wonderful in my cabinet of curiosities, right next to the Fiji Mermaid and the Jackalope.

4. The Democratic Candidate and the AR-15 Ammo

Every so often, some comedian decides to float a joke that what we really need isn’t gun control, but ammo control. “Make the bullets cost $5k apiece,” they chortle. Thing is, up until now, even most gun-grabbers acknowledged that as a joke. Not so much with 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate Marianne Williamson, currently polling at under 1%. Here’s what she had to say:

“When we outlaw them [ARs] there will be so many millions on the street, so we need to stop selling the ammunition. We need to stop producing the ammunition for the AR-15,” she explained.

Never mind that the AR-15 can be chambered in a variety of calibers, including pistol calibers. Never mind that each and every one of those chamberings is available on non-scary-looking rifles like the wood-stocked Ruger Mini 14. Never mind that reloading brass is a relatively simple operation most people can do with an initial investment of a couple hundred dollars. My real questions are these: How does Williamson avoid drowning in the shower? Is the breeze emerging from her right ear warmer than it was when it entered the left? If her attempt at tasting power fails, will she resort to licking an electrical socket? All I know is that I can’t stop laughing…

…oh, wait. I just remembered that there are millions of Americans who actually take this drivel seriously. Suddenly, it’s not quite so funny anymore.