It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine…
Here’s a thought experiment. Whether it’s a zombie pandemic, the pouring out of God’s wrath a la Revelation, or my ex-wife’s Spanx developed a rip right as she bent over, but it’s happened–the world is coming to an end. In the Spanxpocalypse, you only get to pick out three guns to take with you as you head for the proverbial hills. You know that moving on foot is your best bet, so you’ll have to carry all three of them on your person. Since the SHTF and you might have to forage for ammunition and rely on your own gunsmithing skills, they need to be reliable, easy to feed with commonly available ammunition, and reasonably compact. So what three guns do you pick? Here are my choices:
1) Rifle: 6.5 Creedmoor Steyr Scout
Made to Col. Jeff Cooper (of Gunsite fame)’s exacting standards, the Steyr Scout rifle has been around for 21 years. Part of Cooper’s vision was that the Scout needed to be extremely accurate, highly dependable, and chambered in a cartridge capable of taking down any size North American game. Recently, Steyr updated the line with a rifle chambered in 6.5 Creedmoor, one of the hottest and flattest-shooting calibers out there. Because the 6.5 Creedmoor has become so popular among hunters and target shooters, it’ll be easy to raid the smoking husks of sporting-goods stores for ammo. (Although I’ll probably still disdain Dick’s.) It’s got three attachment points for a Ching sling, so I’d be able to carry it hands-free until such a time as I need to hunt down my dinner. Since the 6.5 can take me from rabbits to moose, I’ll be eating good for a long time. Plus, as a bolt gun, there’s just a lot less that could potentially go wrong with it that I know my sorry-ass gunsmithing skills couldn’t fix. $1787 and it’s yours!
2) Shotgun: Mossberg 590M Shockwave Mag-Fed Pump Action
The same principles apply here: The 590M Shockwave is a pump-action, so it’ll be hard for me to accidentally break it while I’m fighting my way out of the encircling ring of Spanx-mad zombies. Additionally, because it’s mag-fed, I’ll have 10 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, which is a pretty fair number of zombies to take on without having to reload. Since it’s a 12-gauge, shells will be easy to find (but not at Dick’s). The Shockwave is a relatively new release, but Mossberg is, like Steyr, an old name with a sterling reputation for reliability. It’s only 27.5 inches long in total, and weighs only 6.5 pounds unloaded, so I feel pretty confident that even my desk-jockey physique could handle carrying it through the shattered, burning shells that remain of civilization. $721 and you’re apocalypse-ready!
3) Handgun: Colt King Cobra Revolver
This is another relatively new offering from a storied company, but I still feel good about it for a number of reasons. First, it’s a Colt (duh). Second, it’s a revolver…although it’s of course possible for a cylinder to jam, it’s just not as likely to happen as it might with a semi-auto. It’s a bit of a tradeoff in that I’ll only have six shots to work with before I’ll have to reload, but in my opinion it’s worth it. Thirdly, it’s chambered in .357 Magnum, so I’ll have the choice of loading it with 38 Spl. or .357…thus doubling my ammo-scavenging opportunities. With a heavy-duty frame and stainless-steel barrel, it’s guaranteed to withstand me dropping it in terror the first time I see a Spanxzombie up close. At 28 ounces it’s no lightweight (just like my ex–heyo!), but the extra weight will offset the gun’s recoil. For $899 you can be ready for SHTF Time!
What three guns would you choose for when the Earth goes pear-shaped? Tell us in the comments!
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.