It’s time to get serious with these things!
Although we here at GGD have run a couple of quizzes so far–including one that will tell you which pocket pistol you are, and one that will let you know which home-defense shotgun you are, it’s been brought to my attention that some people think my quizzes are a little unscientific. I’ll have you know that, in fact, I have an entire room full of mysteriously smoking beakers and arcane machines that make theremin noises. No, I’m not secretly Walter White in “Breaking Bad,” but I am a professional quizzeur (is that a word? It should be). As such, I’d like to assure you that each of these questions was formulated, through years of training and decades of fieldwork, to give you a precise answer about what gun you would be, if you were a gun. Trust me…I’m a scientist.
1. On a dating site, you are asked to describe your physique. Which do you choose?
c. “A Little Extra”
d. “I wash myself with a rag on a stick.”
2. If you were to start your own band, what kind of music would you play?
a. I already have a band; our influences could be described as “Philip Glass meets Bluegrass.”
b. We’d do covers of popular tunes from the 1950s and early 60s. Elvis’ pelvis has nothing on mine!
c. If you heard it on the soundtrack of “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” we would play it.
d. The word is “orchestra,” and the answer is “Wagner.”
3. You just inherited a distillery. What kind of liquor will you brew?
a. Quadruple-distilled vodka made from heirloom potatoes.
b. Can I turn it into a brewery and make beer instead?
c. Have you been talking to the revenuers? Dadgum it!
d. Cognac distilled from the tears of Benedictine monks.
4. Which house from Game of Thrones would you be? (Don’t try to pretend you never took a quiz telling you which Game of Thrones house you are, because I won’t believe you.)
a. House Arryn
b. House Baratheon
c. House Mormont
d. House Lannister
If you got mostly A’s, you are…
A Kimber Mountain Ascent! You’re modern, your tastes are expensive (but you know quality when you see it), you’re very lightweight, and very comfortable on a mountaintop.
If you got mostly B’s, you are…
A Remington Model 700! You’re more of a traditionalist, but that’s okay…your tradition is all-American and every bit as good as it was when it was first started. You’re something of a jack-of-all-trades, but when it comes right down to it, whitetail hunting is all you’re really interested in.
If you got mostly C’s, you are…
A Marlin model 336 (chambered in .30-30, of course)! Your ideal life looks very much like it would have 150 years ago. You don’t like being able to see your neighbors’ houses, and you’re not afraid of the bears that live in the backwoods…they’re afraid of you.
If you got mostly D’s, you are…
A Holland & Holland double rifle in .375 H&H!
You may be pretty heavy, but that’s all right…you’re rich enough to pay other people to carry you around if need be. But neither your weight nor your wealth will stop you from dropping a charging lion in its tracks, just like every other member of your august and storied lineage.
So, you see? Perfectly scientific in every way! Please send us your research notes in the comments…
Trace, a proud Special Farces who goes commando, is dedicated to pubic service. Although he’s a legend among YouTube commenters, he actually began life as a humble dingleberry farmer. Now, no subject is too moist or sensitive for his incisive odor and scintillating lymph nodes.