My Foolproof Plan To Score $$ From Anti-Gunners

Courtesy NRA-ILA

There are fools out there, and they have money. Let us part them.

If you ever had any doubt that anti-Second Amendment activists are people with more money than sense, please take note of this recent article, courtesy of the NRA. In it, we learn that the producers of the Broadway revival of Oklahoma! have decided to answer a question that literally nobody asked: How will they offset their extremely G-rated depictions of gun violence in this classic musical? Well, the same way that lascivious nobles did back in the day…by purchasing indulgences. Here, I’ll let them explain:

“For each prop gun that appears in a production, financiers and producers will add a ‘GUN NEUTRAL’ budget line item to cover the cost of destroying real-world guns and to invest in community-based arts programs targeting youth in the most gun violence-ridden communities. An average of $15 per prop gun will be charged.”

So maybe it’s just because I recently marathoned Better Call Saul, but I think it’s time that you and I cashed in on this trend. It’s simplicity itself! First, we’ll set up a “charity” dedicated to destroying firearms. This is a goal we will accomplish by repeatedly sending small, lead-based projectiles down their barrels at supersonic speeds until they’re all worn out.  As far as the charity’s name, I’m thinking something along the lines of “Hollywood Moms Demand Hot Action.”

Next, we’ll set up a very modern, very avant-garde art installation. This installation will consist of short clips from the top-selling movies of every anti-gun actor and actress in Hollywood. Therefore it will naturally be an absolute auto-da-fe of blood-curdling, stomach-churning violence. Not to worry, though: We’ll announce that we’ve gone “Gun Neutral,” and that every time some Hollywood jackass who gets all wet-eyed and pious about gun violence displays a prop gun on screen, we’ll make a donation to Hollywood Moms Demand Hot Action.

Which means that, naturally, every single penny of our ticket sales will go right to our charity.

But what if we failed to set up a charity ahead of time? Well, we could always just jack up our ticket price and send the extra on to the charity, making sure that we get to signal how very virtuous we are while we simultaneously keep every penny of the original profit. Sadly, in this scenario the guns themselves are still getting destroyed, and not with the Trace Munson method (sending projectiles down their barrels until everything goes kerflooey).

But maybe we could just go with the charity that the Oklahoma! producers use. It’s called “One Less Gun,” and it’s run by a British artist. He deactivates the guns and uses them to make his art installations. I’m sure his charity has nothing to do with the fact that he’s British and therefore has essentially zero access to the raw materials he wants for his art–guns.

Who’s in? And does anyone have any good names for our charity or production company?