LaCrosse’s Warm-Weather Snake Boots (That You Can Actually Walk In)

I low-key want that gun, too.

Even Indiana Jones sighed, “Why did it have to be snakes?”

It’s not that I’m disturbed by snakes, of course. I’m a macho man and I definitely never, ever ran away from a water moccasin making loud yet oddly strangled yelps like a Chihuahua choking on a crack rock. Nor did I ever almost step on a copperhead, leap backwards, and fall ass-over-teakettle into a mud puddle while said copperhead looked at me blandly. I’m just a little worried about who would pay my ex-wives’ alimony if I were ever to fall victim to the fangs of one of North America’s venomous snakes, so over the years I have purchased a variety of bite-proof snake boots. There’s only one problem with most of them: They’re almost as irritating to wear as a set of calf-high puncture wounds. They’re hot, and no amount of breaking-in seems sufficient to make them comfortable to walk in. That is, of course, until Danner/LaCrosse announced their latest line of snake boots…which promise to revolutionize my safety and comfort when I’m turkey hunting in thick brush and rockpiles this spring.

What makes these exciting for me isn’t just that they’re being offered in warm-weather and cold-weather versions, as well as versions for both women and manly men who are definitely not afraid of venomous snakes, nosireebob. What’s really interesting about these boots is that they don’t rely on thick, stiff leather or manmade materials to block fangs. Instead, they’ve got a proprietary flexible inner lining that Danner/LaCrosse calls their “snakeguard” material. This allows the boot to move with you, functioning more like a hunting boot (and less like a red-hot iron shoe like something out of one of those really grisly old fairy tales). They’ve got finger holes, another why-hasn’t-anyone-done-this-yet feature, which allows you to quickly and easily yank them on without having to do the Cowboy Boot Dance. Best of all, because they don’t have any obvious markers of being snake boots at all, nobody ever has to know that I once almost soiled myself when a cicada buzzed right next to me. (It sounded like a rattlesnake, okay?)

Oh wait. Everyone who read this knows now. Well, please don’t tell anyone else…and I promise not to tell anyone that you clicked this link, where the boots can be purchased for an MSRP of $170.

And now, your moment of Indiana: