Ima Nidiot’s Tactical Training Academy Syllabus

Don’t worry, I consulted with all of these guys when designing my syllabus!

Today, we have a guest column from our resident gun-control expert Ima Nidiot, human wind tunnel and personification of the word “moist.” Take it away, Ima!

Hello again, my deplorable bitter clingers! This might come as something of a surprise to you, me starting up my own tactical training academy and all, and I know I might seem to be the last person on Gaia who should do such a thing. But today I caught wind of a video making the rounds on the Internet that really helped me realize something: If actual tactical and gun-handling trainers are saying that this video made them instinctively cover their eyes and pray, then these are some techniques I need to learn more about! So I spent a good 20 minutes watching a bunch of guys making their own circular firing squad, over and over again. I was transfixed; watching them walk in circles shooting live rounds past each other’s heads as they walked downrange and then back made me all tingly in my special parts. My B.S from Dunning-Kruger Academy thus secured, I started my very own tactical gun-training academy. Here are my first three courses:

My pet name for it is “Mammoth Cave.”

Drawing From Deep Concealment 101

Ima Nidiot Tactical Training Academy and Hemp Crafts students will learn just how important it is to make sure that, when carrying concealed, your gun is both well-secured to your person and invisible to others. Other training academies will try to tell you that a quality holster carried in a well-secured on-body location is the best way to do that. But here at Ima Nidiot U, we’re dialing the tactical up to 11 by teaching students how to use Nature’s Holster. That’s right; why stash a gun on your body when you can stash it in your body? Turn your Fudge Tunnel (or, for you deplorable ladies, your Shame Cave) into your very own deep-deep-deep concealment strategy! Students will learn Tactical Yoga, Advanced Front-Sight Filing, and How to Handle Accidental Discharge.

Pro tip: Be sure to write something backwards on your forehead!

Advanced Target Acquisition 201

Here at Ima Nidiot Tactical Training Academy and Hemp Crafts, we’re all about training people to deal with real-world situations, like trying not to shoot your buddy while he walks downrange of you, because that’s a thing that happens all the time. Another thing that happens all the time is having to stalk a laughing megalomaniac through a mirror maze, so that’s what our advanced target acquisition clinic is all about. And because it’s just not workable to do things like using moving dummy targets to simulate either situation, Advanced Target Acquisition 201 takes place entirely within the confines of a mirror maze. You’ll need a steady hand and a practiced eye, so passing “Taxi Driver 101” is an important prerequisite. (Oh, I hate to be exclusionary. Just point a loaded gun at a mirror for a few minutes while practicing your “talkin’ to me?” speech, and we’ll call it good.)

It’s right there in the lyrics. The man in the back said “everyone attack.”

Ballroom Blitz 205

Another thing that we teach here at Ima Nidiot Tactical Training Academy and Hemp Crafts is the importance of being able to shoot quickly and accurately through a moving, chaotic sea of human beings who are for some reason paying for the privilege of hearing bullets go whickering by their ears. Since apparently someone else already thought of having everyone just walk in a big circle shooting past one another, I’ve decided to kick it up a notch with Ballroom Blitz 205. Students will be transported back to the Roaring Twenties (which incidentally is where I get all my ideas about what semi-automatic guns are like), where they’ll get to send lead downrange through a crowd of flappers doing the Charleston. (Ima Nidiot U not responsible for shooting your own great-grandpa and thus creating a time paradox.)

So there you have it! Why would you ever take a firearms training course from a well-known and respected training academy or instructor when you can do it the Ima Nidiot way?