How to Translate “Gun Reviewese” to English
Ever wondered what those stock phrases you see in gun reviews really mean?
If you’re a fan of gun reviews, chances are you’ve noticed there are certain things that gun writers tend to say a lot. Chances also are that you took those things at face value. But, if you’re hip to the lingo and know what to look for, there’s much more information to be gleaned from your average article describing the process of testing a new gun. So here’s a handy cribsheet for you to help you translate “gun reviewese” to English…
Gun Reviewese: “I found recoil sharp, but manageable.”
English: “I wrote this review one-handed because my wrist is still throbbing two days later. You know how some people say a gun ‘kicks like a mule’? This thing kicked me like I was the mule, and I was rented. This gun’s recoil was so intense that after I fired the third shot my twin brother called me up crying and begging me to stop because he could feel it. If I ever get mugged, though, this is the gun I want to have on me…I’ll just threaten to force the mugger to pull the trigger on this.”
Gun Reviewese: “After a few failures to feed, I discovered that this gun is a little picky about ammunition.”
English: “This gun is basically the firearm equivalent of those crazy concert riders that divas and rock stars give venues. This gun not only wants six dozen fresh, ivory-colored roses and a sushi platter, it wants you to pick all the brown M&Ms out of the bowl and not make eye contact with it. This gun is even more expensive to feed than Trace Munson’s ex-wife.”
Gun Reviewese: “After experiencing [some problem], I called the manufacturer and they recommended…”
English: “…that I should wait for them to send me a new one.”
Gun Reviewese: “I found the slide operation to be a bit stiff, but after the break-in period I’m confident it will ease.”
English: “Racking the slide on this bad boy while maintaining a safe muzzle direction was, on the difficulty scale, somewhere in between Marine drown-proofing and doing a one-handed pushup while singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ in tune. I may or may not have turned purple, but I honestly couldn’t tell you because thanks to all the burst blood vessels in my eyes my vision is kinda pinkish right now.”
Gun Reviewese: “Certainly plenty accurate at self-defense distances.”
English: “As long as what you’re defending yourself against isn’t any further away than bad-breath distance. And by bad-breath distance, I mean ‘too much garlic in the spaghetti,’ not ‘durian fruit.’ The Weekly World News has reports on Batboy’s latest movements that are more accurate than this thing. I pointed it at the side of a barn and the barn escaped unscathed.”
What are your favorite gun-review euphemisms? Tell us in the comments!
I used to take “Gun Tests Magazine” for that very reason. They had no advertising, so weren’t at the mercy of “advertising dollars”. But, after awhile, I started noticing that even though they weren’t getting “paid” for it, their own personal biases were coming through loud and clear. During my subscription period, I started noticing Glocks got glowing reviews EVERY time, even though other magazines, who were beholden to ad dollars, mentioned issues with the particular reviewed Glock. Glocks make fine weapons, but do not “fit” my hands, so I have not gotten the Glock fetish suffered by so many others. It’s hard to keep personal bias out, but it got to the point of not even trying anymore. The only reviews I truly trust are my own. If I see someone shooting something I might be interested in, I ask to try it. 9 out of 10 times I get a “Yes”, as most gun owners are proud of their choices, and are usually pretty decent folks.
“AFFORDABLE “
Been waiting in vain for a review accuracy assessment for the new “Minuscule Miniature Micro Sub Compact chambered in 10mm” which states: “This thing won’t hit the barn from the inside”.
1) It was Van Halen that had the removal of the brown M&Ms from their snacks. I heard in an interview that it was a measure of how well the venue read the contract, which included details on the safety of the stage set-up. A test, of sorts.
2) This article looks familiar…. (November 5, 2018 by Chad)
Basically coincides with my ” grain of salt’.
Excellent. I needed a good laugh after having to rebuild my recliner today.
I agree totally with Dave above..I would love to hear an honest review. I remember back before most of these writers were born, when you could actually bet on a good, honest, gun review from one of the old boys!
It was either good, or it was crap! It “patterned” instead of grouped..12″ or so at 25 yards! Laugh!! That’s the new Remchester .14-44 rimfire! At a 100 yds it wouldn’t even hit a lifesize target of an elephant! (And you don’t hunt elephant with a 14-44 rimfire!!
But those days are history..so are those writers. I don’t even bother to read reviews from so called “gun writers” anymore. Just look on youtube and SEE someone actually shoot one..and see if it goes bang..bong! It’s ALL I trust anymore.
I agree totally with Dave above..I would love to hear an honest review. I remember back before most of these writers were born, when you could actually bet on a good, honest, gun review from one of the old boys!
It was either good, or it was crap! It “patterned” instead of grouped..12″ or so at 25 yards! Laugh!! That’s the new Remchester .14-44 rimfire! At a 100 yds it wouldn’t even hit a lifesize target of an elephant! (And you don’t hunt elephant with a 14-44 rimfire!!
But those days are history..so are those writers. I don’t even bother to read reviews from so called “gun writers” anymore. Just look on youtube and SEE someone actually shoot one..and see if it goes bang..bong! It’s ALL I trust anymore.
I read many gun mags every month and have done so for a very long time. You nailed it! I look forward to your next edition of gun “riter gibberish.
You forgot ” The trigger feel is not the best but it will get better with a few thousand rounds put downrange” This means the manufacture is going for the lowest bidder contracts with police depts. so they neglect to finish the internals properly to save a few bucks.
ROTFILSHIDMT! Especially loved the “…more expensive to feed than Trace Munson’s ex wife” comment. I spewed my tablet with coffee on that one. Great article as always Sir.
I loved that one too. But I do not understand what ROTFLILSHIDMT means. I know what ROTFILSH means: Rolling On The Floor I Laughed So Hard, but I have no idea what IDMT stands for. Yes, I am dumb when it comes to these things! LOL
Easy to maintain…..yeah soak it in a bucket of oil like a bike chain overnight and it should have enough oil to not jam when you need it heh-heh
Priceless. I have always tried to read between the lines when I read a firearm review. With some…the author is obviously and desperately trying to find a way to make the firearm sound good. Most ‘reviewers’ are probably sponsored in some way by the manufacturer, however small, and want to give a good review, so you can’t fault them, too much. I like the reviewers who will say…”It’s a piece of junk”. You get the idea that they might be honest about it.