How NOT to Use a Gun (Demonstrated by Criminals)

Also “derp,” “d’oh,” and “no doi.”

Watching people mishandle guns is difficult…unless those people are criminals.

Ask anyone who’s spent any time in law enforcement: The vast majority of criminals didn’t become criminals so they could use their razor-sharp intelligence to neatly separate law-abiding folks from their money. Once upon a time, when I was a young and idealistic Munson, I interviewed a detective in hopes of finding out whether that would be an interesting career for me. “Sadly, Trace,” he said, “there are no Professor Moriarties here to match wits with.” (Which is probably for the best, seeing as how I ain’t exactly Sherlock myself.) Nor do the vast majority of criminals engage in any firearms safety or handling training. When you combine those two facts, you’re looking at a recipe for some hilariously stupid gun-handling. And when you throw the Internet into the mix…well, you wind up with this.

This is why we use holsters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHutbfyf1Qg

To be honest, I’m not exactly sure this man is a criminal; this is clearly not America. But what this gentleman lacks in holsters, he makes up for in pure chutzpah. The coolness with which he casually reaches down as if he’d just dropped his keys and not his pistol is really something to see…and if you watch the police behind him, they seem to be fairly bemused. You can almost hear that one female officer saying, “Did that just happen?”

This is why we use belts.

Rule One for would-be criminal masterminds is, obviously, “no monologuing at the hero before you execute him–just do it.” Rule Two should probably be something along the lines of “Try not to throw your gun at the person you’re attempting to rob.” Rule Three should definitely be “Try a belt or some suspenders or some pants that fit you, for God’s sake, or you’ll be showing the whole world your ass in a more-than-metaphorical sense.”

Either shoot or get off the pot.

You know how self-defense instructors will insist that you shouldn’t draw your weapon unless you are fully prepared to use it? That always used to confuse me a bit, given that the vast majority of “armed citizen” incidents end without a shot being fired. The above gif will demonstrate what they really mean: Just sort of poking the muzzle at someone like it’s a microphone and you’re hoping for a pithy quote isn’t exactly the ne plus ultra of firearm retention. Because you just never know when you might run into someone like the above store clerk, who appears to have both martial-arts training and balls the size of canteloupes.

Although it seems the evil-genius criminal is largely a work of fiction, I do have to say that I hope the muggers, robbers, carjackers and other creeps don’t ever bother checking this article–or anything like it–out. I’d hate to think they learned anything about being more effective criminals from me. But just in case there are any out there reading this, I do have one more gif that I’m sure the rest of GGD readers can agree holds just the right message:

I just spent like 5 minutes practicing that in the mirror.