Gun Rights
4 Guns I Promise Not to Grab
A guest post from Ima Nidiot.

Photo courtesy of Paul Brennan
In the interest of fairness, we occasionally like to enlist the wisdom of anti-gun expert Ima Nidiot, underwater basket-weaver and legend in her own mind. Take it away, Ima!
Itโs recently come to my attention that there are people out there who call me and folks like me โgun grabbers.โ The sheer unmitigated gall of them to act as if I want to take their guns awayโthatโs just asinine, and Iโm even more offended than usual! All Iโm asking for are some simple, common-sense safety laws that wonโt be the slightest inconvenience or infringe on your precious โrightโ to own one. Iโm sure youโll agree as soon as you see this itty-bitty list of guns that just arenโt the sort of thing a sensible person should be allowed to have. In short, no, dummy, I donโt want to take your guns away. Just these four:
1) AR-15s

As the German Army proved, you can easily swap out your AR’s with broomsticks for training exercises. | Photo courtesy of Mabel Amber
The key reason for why I want to take this gun away from you is right in the name. That โARโ stands for Assault Rifle, this I know, for Dianne Feinstein tells me so! Their only possible use is for assaulting people, so thatโs why theyโre named that. These terrifying Murder Machines look like the guns soldiers carry into battle, and of course we all know that only soldiers and law enforcement are qualified enough for a thing like that. (See,ย here are some professional soldiers displaying their mastery). I am a bit peeved that one of them seems to have stolen my ride to work, though.
2) Guns That Are Too Big
Won’t you feel relieved when you don’t have to carry around a huge gun?
Every so often I hear someone on the news say โhigh-powered rifle,โ and I have to buy new underwear every time, which is getting super expensive. I donโt really know what โhigh-poweredโ means, but I know for a fact that you donโt need one to hunt deer! Not that you should be hunting deer anywayโmeat comes from the store, not endangered animals like whitetail deer. So those will just have to go!
3) Guns That Are Too Small
Who is comfortable showing up to a party with something undersized anyway? | Photo courtesy of sub35089
Guns that are too small are called โpocket rocketsโ because if you put one in your pocket, itโll rocket you right into wanton, wholesale murder, and thatโs a scientific fact. Itโs sort of like homeopathy: The smaller the gun, the stronger its influence over your mind. Also, small guns seem like maybe theyโre for women to use, andย I think you already know how I feel about that.
4) Guns That Are Too Cheap
What is so special about cheap guns? | Photo courtesy of DanMP5
Cheap guns are called โSaturday Night Specials,โ because people buy them on Saturday nights and then use them for murder and mayhem. Thatโs why I want to take them away, andย notย because Iโm worried that The Poors might get the idea that they have the same rights I do. And it most certainly isnโt because the history of Common Sense Gun Control ™ began withย outlawing inexpensive guns specifically to keep them out of the hands of freed slaves.ย Too bad, so sadโno more bargain guns for you!
<See? I donโt want to take away your guns, and the fact that you keep saying so is proof that youโre paranoid and antisocial and probably shouldnโt be allowed to own one. Now that weโve cleared that up: Mr. and Mrs. America, turn them all in!
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