3 Things That Will Stop Violence Against Women (& 1 That Won’t)

Knitting needles make for powerful weapons in the hands of an Angel In the House like you. No, I don’t mean that you should use one to give an impromptu lobotomy to a potential rapist—violence never solves anything! I mean that, in between knitting little bitty booties for your next baby, you should make yourself a hat. Specifically, a vagina hat. Should a rapist approach you, simply remove the hat and throw it, like a gecko shedding its tail to confuse a predator. Then, while the rapist is busy defiling your headgear, you can make your escape.

“But Ima,” you might be wondering, “what if the criminals don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong?” Well, don’t you worry your pretty little head, Sugar, because we have the ultimate weapon against violence: posters! All you need to do is carry a bunch of them—I like to store mine in my vagina hat—and if you’re approached by a rapist, just show him one. Once he sees that rape is a bad thing, not a good thing, he’ll see the error of his ways.

And the one thing that absolutely, positively will not work to repel a would-be mugger, rapist or murderer? A gun.

You see, because you are a girl, you cannot possibly learn how to shoot. Ladies are nurturers and anything that isn’t about raising babies or darning socks is just too much for our little lady-brains. You might think that you have the judgment to determine when lethal force is necessary and the skills to deploy it, but you’re wrong. Any attacker will simply take the firearm from your weak, hysterical hands. It’s science! So grab a poster, finish knitting that hat and click that pound-sign key—as long as it isn’t #me2A, that is!