In the interest of fairness, we occasionally enlist the wisdom of anti-gun expert Ima Nidiot, Kindergarten Color Guard mascot and personification of the word “moist.” Take it away, Ima!
After I last bestowed my wisdom upon an ungrateful and undeserving public I was asked, “But Ima, how am I supposed to defend myself from criminal attack if you’ve grabbed all my guns?” They didn’t even have the good manners to give me a trigger warning before they said the word “trigger,” and I was very triggered by the whole thing. But I’m nothing if not generous, so the minute I got done recovering from my trauma I hopped right on my computer and penned three Ima Nidiot-approved ways to defend yourself without having to use all the guns I promised not to grab!
1) Make a Safe Space
No, I’m not talking about creating a panic room—that stuff is for crazy gun nuts who are crazy. I’m talking about creating a real safe space. It’s simplicity itself: All you need is a room with soothing lighting, coloring books, Play-Doh in inoffensive colors, and definitely no mean thoughts or words allowed. That way, if a criminal attacks you, all you have to do is point to the sign on the wall that says “Safe Space.” This legally protects you against criminal attack as well as Crimethink, and a fundamental truth that unites all criminals is that they unfailingly obey the law, especially posted signage telling them not to commit crimes. Maybe the two of you can cuddle up together in the Cry Closet and read Das Kapital!
2) Use Number Two 💩 💩
This one goes out to all the women out there. Just in case you’re worried that my infallible anti-rape tips might not be enough to deter a really determined rapist, you can always fall back to your #2 line of defense: number two! Yes, that’s right ladies—if your rapist is somehow able to bypass your forcefield of hashtags, you can keep him out of your drawers by filling them up with something else. That’s right, I’m talking about weaponizing your body’s own metabolic byproducts like a Rhesus monkey on the wrong side of a three-day Taco Bell-and-Goldschlager bender. This self-defense method is not only completely foolproof, it’s all-natural, organic, free-range and made in an American! Best of all, you won’t have to touch any icky guns!
3) Get a Really Loud Whistle
As anyone who has ever lived in the city can tell you, there’s nothing like a blaring car alarm to get everyone to stand up and pay attention. A nice, loud whistle will produce results that are even better, because everyone connects the bleating of a whistle with the concept that someone is in mortal danger and not, say, committing a foot fault. Unlike a gun—which your attacker will obviously ninja out of your hands and then use against you because criminals have reflexes that are literally faster than speeding bullets—it’s completely impossible for a whistle to be ripped out of your face and swiftly re-inserted somewhere where both the light and air quality are poor. The medical examiner will have a fine old time playing “What’s That on the X-Ray?”, and you’ll go on to enjoy a very special, early entree to the Great Reward that’s waiting for the people who follow my advice!
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