Just the Tips: How to Get a Trophy Buck

SOON.

Three of my secrets for getting right on the best wall-hanger you ever saw, right here!

Whitetail season is coming as fast as an anti-gun movie producer faced with a hot, sexy ficus plant. This year, I’ve decided to finally put all my observations of whitetail deer into practice, in hopes of finally getting the trophy buck of my dreams into my crosshairs. Because I’m a giver, I’ll let you know my plans right now so you ninjas can try them along with me.

It’s like catnip, only for deer. Deernip.

Tip 1: Disguise Your Ground Blind as a Ford Escort

I guess it doesn’t have to be a Ford Escort—I’m sure a Honda Civic, a Mini, or a Smart car would work just as well. The point is that your ground blind needs to look just like the sort of car that would be completely totaled if you were to hit a deer in it. Forget doe pee or food plots; absolutely nothing is as irresistibly attractive to a mature 10-point buck as a small car hurtling down the road just a little too fast to stop in time. If you’re not the boo-yah spray paint artist I am, that’s cool; just stop by my place and I’ll let you borrow one of the totaled Escorts I keep on blocks in my front yard.

Not for nothing, but my next get-rich-quick scheme is to make those custom car stickers with pictures of myself holding my slug gun in one hand and a hunting license in the other, so I can stick that on my hood and never see another deer on the road ever again. (Cabela’s—call me!)

I think they got my good side, don’t you?

Tip 2- Hunt In Your Skivvies While Scratching Yourself

If you really want to see the true majesty of a Boone & Crockett buck up close, the best way to do that is to toddle out onto your front porch with no pants on while giving your kiwis a nice good-morning scratch. I’ve done a lot of research over the years, and although I’m still not sure how magnets work, I’m certain that whitetail bucks are drawn to me in my Jockey shorts like moths to a flame. I know it’s gonna be pretty cold for me in that blind with nothing but my manly pelt to keep me warm, but I figure it’s worth it. My only worry is that it might get cold enough to make my huevos hide like Lena Dunham’s on TV or something, which will make it tougher for me to get a good scratch going.

A.B.C.

Tip 3-Always Be Crapping

Instead of “Always Be Closing,” my motto this fall is to Always Be Crapping. Why? Well, because the third occasion I tend to see great examples of the species Odocoileus virginianus is when I’m coileus out my virginanus. Maybe it’s the thunderous, reaonating buck grunts I can make after a night of my ol’ lady’s beanie-wienies and a morning of my coffee, I dunno. My friends tell me the same—I’ve got a buddy who took a trophy moose while literally pinching one off. (He swears the recoil from his .30-30 didn’t pitch him backwards into the pile, but I’ve never seen those Carhartts again since. Just sayin’.) I haven’t yet figured out the mechanics of my ABC plan, but I figure I can always down a quart of GoLytely or something on Opening Day.

Just the Tips!