Eureka! Here’s Why Facebook Hates Guns

Remember that scene in “Revenge of the Nerds” when Lamar throws the javelin? Me too.

Ever been so embarrassed for someone else that it caused you physical pain?

Gun-rights activists and advocates have known for a very long time that Facebook’s algorithms–as well as their human moderators–discriminate directly against anything ballistic. We all discovered why a few days ago when Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg decided to use his own platform to post a video of himself, um, throwing a javelin. That video is linked in the photo above. I recommend clicking it so you can savor the cringiest 55 seconds of footage you’ll see this year.

All of a sudden, things are starting to make sense.

In the early days of Facebook, just about any point of view that would pass First Amendment muster was tolerated. However, once it went public Zuckerberg et al began ruthlessly censoring anything gun-related. There were (and are) periodic purges based on unpublished rules and enforced with secret punishments. It began with companies that sold firearms, then moved on to accessories, then to organizations that sell nothing at all but pro-Second Amendment ideas. It just didn’t follow; over half of Americans own guns, and our money spends just as green as anyone else’s. Why would a for-profit company turn down cash on the barrelhead from law-abiding citizens?

Let Zucky show you how it’s done.

Before we answer that question, let’s take a moment and really analyze what’s happening in that footage, shall we? We have Mark Zuckerberg, our modern-day Adonis, teetering out onto the proving grounds on his nelly little knock-knees like 13-year-old me in my first pair of kitten heels. Fishbelly calves twitching, Zuck demonstrates his commitment to javelin safety by doubling up on his ear protection–wouldn’t want those decibels damaging his hearing, would we?

With what some folks might call a mighty heave, and what other, less-charitable folks might call a full-body dry heave, Zuck then hoists his javelin up over his shoulder and hurls it at his target, which is an astonishing 5 yards away. It’s a feat of ballistic bravado matched only by Annie Oakley, Herb Parsons, and the cicada I backhanded out of my hair this morning.

Stop making poor Zucky boy feel inadequate, you meanies!

So, it’s pretty obvious why Mark Zuckerberg conflates Second Amendment advocacy with hate crimes. Every single time an American picks up a firearm and shoots it without looking like a six-year-old girl, it makes Zucky boy feel attacked. (Especially when the shooter is a six-year-old girl…that’s gotta sting.) No wonder he can’t stand discussions of gun safety. How embarrassing must it be to watch us discussing ear protection for shotgun shooting when he has to wear his muffs to throw a stick?

Then again, clearly, he thinks of his stick-throwing as pretty badass. Quoting the movie “Taken,” his video caption was “I have a very particular set of skills…” That may read at first as self-deprecating humor, but those of us who have been watching his company do everything in its considerable power to actively shut down pro-gun discussion are pretty sure he’s not kidding at all. This is what Mark Zuckerberg thinks you should be using to hunt, hit targets, and protect your home: a sharpened stick.

Come on, Mo. So the dude throws like a girl. Why so harsh?

For the last several years, Mark Zuckerberg and the social-media platform he created have been systematically trying to shut the Second Amendment out of public discourse. Uncounted thousands of videos of people doing exactly the same thing Zuck was doing in his video–that is, sending a projectile downrange at a safe target–have been censored and their livelihoods threatened. This has happened at his direction and with his blessing.

See, Zuck isn’t the only one who throws like a girl; so do I. (My excuse is that I am a girl.) That’s why I don’t dare trust my safety to a sharpened stick, or a blade, or even a can of chemical deterrent. The only thing that will put me on a level playing field with a male attacker is a firearm, and I find it deeply disturbing that Zuck and his ilk think I shouldn’t have one.

I will give him this one concession, though. That video itself could serve as a defensive weapon: No mugger could watch it without rolling on the floor laughing.