By Interest

3 Things That Will Stop Violence Against Women (& 1 That Won’t)

Published

7 years ago

July 5, 2018

Today, we have a guest column about self-defense for women, courtesy of Ima Nidiot, personal-odor trainer and legend in her own mind…Take it away, Ima!

She’s not fooling anyone.

Hello, ladies! Ima Nidiot here, checking in with some expert self-defense advice carefully compiled from my years of intensive research at Whiskey Tango Foxtrot University and Doonesbury cartoons. It’s come to my attention that some of you girls have some silly ideas about how to protect yourselves against rape, mugging and other violence, so today I’m going to explain what does and does not work. Here are three Ima-Nidiot-approved things that will definitely stop a criminal—and one that won’t, so don’t even try, Missy.

1) Hashtags

Lock up your potential predator behind hashtags | original predator image (modified by author) courtesy of Rostislav Kralik

They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and a hashtag is basically four pens laid out in a grid—so it’s stronger than four swords! If you want to protect yourself from crime, head over here to the social-media platform of your choice and put that octothorpe to work. Its bars and crossbars look just like a jail cell, which reminds a predator of what’s in store for him if he messes with you, Dollface.

2) Hats That Resemble Your Genitalia

Behold the power of the headpiece | image courtesy of https://pxhere.com/id/photo/1365125

Knitting needles make for powerful weapons in the hands of an Angel In the House like you. No, I don’t mean that you should use one to give an impromptu lobotomy to a potential rapist—violence never solves anything! I mean that, in between knitting little bitty booties for your next baby, you should make yourself a hat. Specifically, a vagina hat. Should a rapist approach you, simply remove the hat and throw it, like a gecko shedding its tail to confuse a predator. Then, while the rapist is busy defiling your headgear, you can make your escape.

3) Posters Explaining Rape Is Bad

That Guy hates seeing himself on a poster | Image courtesy of UW-Madison PD

“But Ima,” you might be wondering, “what if the criminals don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong?” Well, don’t you worry your pretty little head, Sugar, because we have the ultimate weapon against violence: posters! All you need to do is carry a bunch of them—I like to store mine in my vagina hat—and if you’re approached by a rapist, just show him one. Once he sees that rape is a bad thing, not a good thing, he’ll see the error of his ways.

And the one thing that absolutely, positively will not work to repel a would-be mugger, rapist or murderer? A gun.

Does this person scare you?

You see, because you are a girl, you cannot possibly learn how to shoot. Ladies are nurturers and anything that isn’t about raising babies or darning socks is just too much for our little lady-brains. You might think that you have the judgment to determine when lethal force is necessary and the skills to deploy it, but you’re wrong. Any attacker will simply take the firearm from your weak, hysterical hands. It’s science! So grab a poster, finish knitting that hat and click that pound-sign key—as long as it isn’t #me2A, that is!