New Post-Election Game: Where’s Walz-o?

Now THIS is how you do masculinity, folks!

Did “America’s Dad” run out for a newspaper, or …?

For three months prior to the election, the airwaves were dominated by “America’s Dad.” Mainstream media outlets just couldn’t get enough of that folksy family man. He was the perfect paterfamilias, full of wisdom and just the right amount of stern structure. He, along with Doug Emhoff, was touted to the skies as the very model of modern masculinity. He’s a football coach! He’s a hunter and shooter! He’s lovable and fun, and he likes to dance and tell funny stories! He’s so virile and vital that he can kick like a Rockette. Oh, yes, sometimes he exaggerates a little bit, but that’s just because he’s such a wonderful storyteller. He’s the perfect partner for “Momala,” who, as we all know, is America’s mom. And best of all, there’s nothing weird about him!

Try looking down the barrel to see if it’s loaded, Dad!

And then the election happened. Even as America began contending with the reality that Mommy and Daddy lost, things started changing in a very scary way for we “citizen children.” Oh, Momala is still around, even if she’s taking a kid-free vacation in Hawaii and leaving us all with a sitter. America’s Wine Mom even made a special appearance on TV to let us know who was going to be in charge while she was gone. But this was also kind of scary for us kiddies. She said:

“To Governor Walz and the Walz family, I know your service to our nation will continue.”

That’s kind of a curt way to talk to our Daddy! After three months on the campaign trail and so, so many Rockette kicks, this is all Mom’s going to say to Dad? We hoped and hoped that this didn’t mean they were going to split up. But then Daddy Tim said he was just going to run out for a newspaper and … well, we haven’t seen him for two weeks.

We’re stuck with so many questions. Was it our fault? Should we have voted more joyfully? Should we have done a joyful dance on our way out of the polling booth? Or was it Momala’s fault, for drinking the whole box of wine and burning dinner? (Excuse us, we meant “being the best cook of collard greens in the neighborhood.”)

So this brings America’s hunters and shooters to a dilemma. Whatever shall we do without America’s Dad to tell us how to handle our guns? How will we cope without Adam Kinzinger to show us how to set up a range? And when is Tim Walz coming back to toss the pigskin around with us and show us how to “run a mean Pick 6 in Madden“?

Tell me you’ve never shot an AR-15 without telling me you’ve never shot an AR-15.

And finally, WHERE’S WALZ-O?

The good news is that we hunters are very skilled in tracking sign, and we have lots of clues about where to look for America’s Dad. Are there any riots happening? Get downwind of the burning tires, and you should be able to find Mr. and Mrs. Walz breathing deeply of the scent of some “mostly peaceful demonstrations.”

Still scouting? Another good spot to look for Walz-O would be the boys’ bathroom. America’s Dad likes to make sure the boys have plenty of tampons to get through their days. Don’t worry about setting up a trail cam in there to capture images–Walz already has a couple installed!

Of course, there’s always the possibility that, like a trophy buck in rut, Walz has fled the area entirely. Maybe he is out making history on foreign shores, carrying a “weapon of war” in whatever war is the right war. Maybe he’s hanging out in Tiananmen Square right now as we speak, watching the tanks roll in whatever way is most picturesque. Or maybe he’s hanging out with Kunce and Kinzinger, setting up the Tannerite within ricochet distance.

All we know is that we hope someone finds him before his call to Democratic party donors next week. They’re kind of hoping he and Momala can tell them where that last $20 million went. We know it’s just to buy some cigarettes and newspapers. Lots of them. That’s why it’s taking so long for him to come back!