4 Guns We’re Gonna Need For the Area 51 Raid

Hey, Marvin the Martian! I have a probe for ya…

Just because the “Area 51 Raid” started as a joke doesn’t mean we don’t need to prepare…

A few days ago, some wag made a Facebook page announcing that it was time for we, the American people, to make a raid on Nevada’s famed “Area 51” so we could finally get to meet some aliens. At least, we thought it was a joke…but what if it’s true? What if there will indeed be a raid? We know what happens next: The same thing that happens every time the giggling teenagers in a movie ignore the “No Trespassing” signs to go make out on an ancient Indian burial ground. All Hell will break loose, and by Hell, I mean all those captured extraterrestrials. And not all of them will be endearing little tubers who just want to Phone Home.

So although we know that GGD readers are far too intelligent to join such an ill-fated raid, we may very soon be facing something like that zoo escape that happened in Ohio a few years back. Only worse, because these will be beings capable of interstellar travel and who may be holding a bit of a grudge about being caged up in the Nevada desert without one lousy weekend Vegas trip to break up the monotony. We’re going to need some guns. These guns.

1. For the Grey Aliens

Whitley Streiber says “hello.”

According to the issue of the Fortean Times I ganked from the library, “The Greys” are slender humanoids that are about 1/3 smaller than your average human. So we can go ahead and assume that, like humans, they have thin skin and vital organs only protected by a rib cage and skull. That doesn’t sound too terrifying…but the problem is, as the most commonly reported type of extraterrestrial visitor, we know there are a lot of them. So I suggest we go with a nice bullpup rifle chambered in 5.56mm/.223…something that accepts large magazines so we won’t have to reload too often. Therefore, I’m going to pull the ol’ Steyr AUG out of the safe and give it a quick look-see to make sure that all is in order…

What’s German for “Probe this, buddy”?

2. For the Little Green Men

A peace sign. Yeah, right!

The good folks at the Fortean Times have posited that the Little Green Men don’t visit us much anymore because we’re too warlike and aggressive for them. Let’s prove them right by making sure that these little green guys don’t get to the Mothership…but what gun will we use? They’re also humanoid, but they’re much smaller than a person, only 2 or 3 feet tall at most. Thing is, they’re fast, and they move in flocks. So we’ll want to work with something that does well on terrestrial critters that are small and fast…a 12-gauge shotgun. However, this really isn’t the time for Granddad’s double-barrel…we’re gonna need something more maneuverable that accepts more shotshells. That’s why I already have a panicky call in to my local dealer to get me an IWI Tavor TS-12 bullpup shotgun.

What’s Hebrew for “Probe this, buddy”?

3. The Reptiloids

Your blood may be cold, but mine is colder.

The Reptiloids, also known as Reptilians or lizard people, are going to need some pretty serious hardware. First, they’re considerably taller and more stockily built than people–up to 8 feet tall, according to the issue of Weekly World News I found in my attic. Plus, they have those scales, which basically function like armor plating. It’s going to take a bit more than a .38-cal. hollowpoint to get our point across (the point being, this derriere ain’t for probing). That’s why I’ve emptied out my piggy bank and am heading to the store to buy myself a Barrett .50-cal. 82A1. After all, if that thing can blow right through a car’s engine block, I bet some hopped-up Gila monster won’t stand a chance. It’s much too bulky and heavy to carry around with me, but that’s cool…since the 82A1 is perfectly capable of delivering kill shots in excess of a mile distant, I’ll be picking the reptiloids off at a nice, safe distance.

In English, it’s easy: Probe this, buddy!

4. The Rastafarzoids from Independence Day

Not shown: Weird biosuit with dreadlocks.

I don’t actually know what the aliens from the documentary Independence Day were called, since most of the cast  spent their time saying things like “AAAHHH” instead of naming them. That said, the film gave us a pretty good idea of these aliens’ strengths (which are many), and their weaknesses (which are few). They’re fast. They’re strong. They have mind control that lets them use human beings like some sort of awful meat puppet. So what kind of arms would we use? What gun would be sufficient?

Will Smith’s “guns,” and the mighty punches they can deal out, of course!

So now that I’ve got all the guns I think I can use–except Will’s, sadly–all I need to make sure I survive the Area 51 Raid is a precocious kid sidekick, a lovable dog, and some pithy, quotable sayings!

Am I right? What would you take to Area 51 Day? Tell us in the comments!