How to Crap in the Woods

Bears do it, and so can you.

It never fails. The second I get settled into my ground blind with all my stuff arranged just so, the coffee I drank to make my 4:00 a.m. wake-up call kicks in. You know what I’m talking about: That special rolling in your guts that means that either there’s a Lena Dunham special on and your ol’ lady hid the remote, or you gotta take a dump right there in the woods. I can’t help you with Number One (except to suggest you either look into the couch cushions or canceling your cable subscription), but when it comes to Number Two, I’m your guy.

1-Find a Good Spot to Release Your Fudgy Hostages

Hope your hunting boots are broken in…

The first thing you’re gonna think is to just find a spot close by so you can get back in the blind quicker. This is a mistake—deer can definitely pick up what you’re laying down. And they’re not just gonna be able to tell that some critter was dropping belly bombs, either. If you ever have the misfortune to spend two minutes in the company of a vegan, they’ll be sure to tell you all about how their sh*t don’t stink. I hate to say it, but they do have a point at the tip of their self-righteous bowlsnake: The poo of a meat-eater does smell different…and the deer know it means there’s a predator nearby (you). Now, you can either give up bacon for the duration of deer season—which is a big “f no” from me—or you can walk a few dozen yards and launch your meat-eater missiles elsewhere.

While you’re at it, bring your flashlight or headlamp. No, you don’t wanna be lighting up the predawn like a rave, but you really, really don’t wanna drop trou over any critters who’ve mistaken your outdoor toilet for their bedding spot. True, fall temps do tend to chill out the kinds of bugs and snakes you don’t want gazing up at your naked, vulnerable business like that last cartoon scene in “Pink Floyd: The Wall.” But if there’s anything that’ll stir up a nest of baby rattlesnakes, it’s having some doofus coiling out a steamy soft-serve right over them. (Ask me how I know.)

2-Take It All Off, Baby

Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

You found a good spot to launch your daisy-cutters, so now it’s time to make like my cousin at Juggalo Juggs’ Amateur Night and take it all off. Oh, OK, you don’t actually need to get naked, but you do need to take some extra time to get your pants, overalls, and hooded jacket way the Hell out of your drop zone. Yeah, it’s probably colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra, but you gotta suck it up while you’re busy squishing one out. Why? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but sometimes…especially when they’re in a hurry…hunters have pulled their pants or hood back up, only to discover that their clothing has fallen victim to “friendly fire.” And that’ll sink your enthusiasm for Opening Day faster than Lena Dunham sinks my…well, everything.

3-Don’t Forget to Flush

Ooh, pretty!

“But Mad Ducats,” you’re saying, “there’s no toilet, it being the woods and all, so I can’t flush!” True, but you gotta think of it like that. First, please tell me you brought some baby wipes with you. Did you not? Well, like my great-granny used to say, “If you ain’t got a corncob, you just gotta let your hips swing a little freer.”

What I’m trying to say here is that if you didn’t bring it with you, don’t wipe with it. I don’t care if you gotta sacrifice a sock, just don’t try to use some random-ass plant growing around you to make like the Enterprise and circle Uranus wiping out Klingons. You’d be surprised at how long poison ivy stays itchy even after a hard freeze. (Ask me how I know.)

What you can use those random-ass plants and leaves for is covering up your Code Brown. It’s not just the polite thing to do—I promise you that whitetails do not buy into the whole “he who smelt it, dealt it” philosophy. They’ll know that somewhere nearby there’s a human responsible for the barrel of tummy trouts chillin’ out there at the base of that tree.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta step into my office and launch a Dunham.

Just the Tips!