Just the Tips
How to Crap in the Woods
Bears do it, and so can you.
It never fails. The second I get settled into my ground blind with all my stuff arranged just so, the coffee I drank to make my 4:00 a.m. wake-up call kicks in. You know what Iโm talking about: That special rolling in your guts that means that either thereโs a Lena Dunham special on and your olโ lady hid the remote, or you gotta take a dump right there in the woods. I canโt help you with Number One (except to suggest you either look into the couch cushions or canceling your cable subscription), but when it comes to Number Two, Iโm your guy.
1-Find a Good Spot to Release Your Fudgy Hostages

Hope your hunting boots are broken in…
The first thing youโre gonna think is to just find a spot close by so you can get back in the blind quicker. This is a mistakeโdeer can definitely pick up what youโre laying down. And theyโre not just gonna be able to tell that some critter was dropping belly bombs, either. If you ever have the misfortune to spend two minutes in the company of a vegan, theyโll be sure to tell you all about how their sh*t donโt stink. I hate to say it, but they do have a point at the tip of their self-righteous bowlsnake: The poo of a meat-eater does smell different…and the deer know it means thereโs a predator nearby (you). Now, you can either give up bacon for the duration of deer seasonโwhich is a big โf noโ from meโor you can walk a few dozen yards and launch your meat-eater missiles elsewhere.
While youโre at it, bring your flashlight or headlamp. No, you donโt wanna be lighting up the predawn like a rave, but you really, really donโt wanna drop trou over any critters whoโve mistaken your outdoor toilet for their bedding spot. True, fall temps do tend to chill out the kinds of bugs and snakes you donโt want gazing up at your naked, vulnerable business like that last cartoon scene in โPink Floyd: The Wall.โ But if thereโs anything thatโll stir up a nest of baby rattlesnakes, itโs having some doofus coiling out a steamy soft-serve right over them. (Ask me how I know.)
2-Take It All Off, Baby
Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?
You found a good spot to launch your daisy-cutters, so now itโs time to make like my cousin at Juggalo Juggsโ Amateur Night and take it all off. Oh, OK, you donโt actually need to get naked, but you do need to take some extra time to get your pants, overalls, and hooded jacket way the Hell out of your drop zone. Yeah, itโs probably colder than a witchโs tit in a brass bra, but you gotta suck it up while youโre busy squishing one out. Why? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but sometimes…especially when theyโre in a hurry…hunters have pulled their pants or hood back up, only to discover that their clothing has fallen victim to โfriendly fire.โ And thatโll sink your enthusiasm for Opening Day faster than Lena Dunham sinks my…well, everything.
3-Donโt Forget to Flush
Ooh, pretty!
โBut Mad Ducats,โ youโre saying, โthereโs no toilet, it being the woods and all, so I canโt flush!โ True, but you gotta think of it like that. First, please tell me you brought some baby wipes with you. Did you not? Well, like my great-granny used to say, โIf you ainโt got a corncob, you just gotta let your hips swing a little freer.โ
What Iโm trying to say here is that if you didnโt bring it with you, donโt wipe with it. I donโt care if you gotta sacrifice a sock, just donโt try to use some random-ass plant growing around you to make like the Enterprise and circle Uranus wiping out Klingons. Youโd be surprised at how long poison ivy stays itchy even after a hard freeze. (Ask me how I know.)
What you can use those random-ass plants and leaves for is covering up your Code Brown. Itโs not just the polite thing to doโI promise you that whitetails do not buy into the whole โhe who smelt it, dealt itโ philosophy. Theyโll know that somewhere nearby thereโs a human responsible for the barrel of tummy trouts chillinโ out there at the base of that tree.
Now, if youโll excuse me, I gotta step into my office and launch a Dunham.
Just the Tips!
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