4 Saddest Fates That Befell My Guns, Officer
Here are the stories I’ll tell if they get around to the “Molon Labe” part…
“Molon Labe,” of course, means “Come and Get Them” in Greek, and it’s a taunt we gun owners like to repeat to those who wish we weren’t gun owners. Fact is, most of us haven’t really spent much time thinking about what a “come and get them” scenario would look like. Most of us, that is, except Yours Truly. As a dedicated Chairborne Ranger, I have spent many an hour meditating on the subject (usually in a seated position, while in the smallest room in my home).
For most gun owners, of course, the best way to keep your guns from being confiscated is to simply keep your mouth shut about owning them. As a gun writer, that’s not an option for me…and maybe someday it won’t be for you either. That’s why I’m sharing my handy-dandy list of very sad stories about what happened to my guns, Officer.
Mossberg in a Bottle
It was a beautiful day at the beach. The sight of me in my Speedo had been just too overwhelming for the crowds, so I had the shore all to myself. Suddenly, my wondering eyes detected a bright, shiny bottle floating on the waves. Nestled sweetly inside the bottle, like Baby Moses in a basket, a Mossberg Shockwave 12-gauge. Not knowing what to make of this mysterious gift from the sea, I took the Shockwave home, gave it my name, and raised it as my own.
Then, one bright sunny morning, I took my Mossberg with me on a deep-sea fishing expedition. I had just hooked a sturgeon the size of an SUV and was battling it in a Hemingway-esque struggle of man versus fish. The mighty sea monster, with a terrible tug, dragged boat, gun, and Munson under the waves. I survived, but my precious Mossberg? Gone on to another man on some other strange shores, I hope. Officer.
FN Farm
One fine morning I woke to discover that Santa had deposited a fine Fabrique Nationale SCAR under my tree. All of the above was very strange, because a) It was not Christmas; b) I do not have a tree inside my home; and c) I haven’t believed in Santa for at least five, probably ten years. However, it absolutely must have been Santa because…well, I did say it was an FN SCAR, didn’t I? (Those things were scarce as hen’s teeth before 2020 hit.)
My FN SCAR and I had many wonderful adventures together. However, it did chew up both my targets and the couch cushions. And the neighbors complained a lot about all the PING! and PA-WHING! and BOOOMing we made together. And so it was that one fine morning not much later, I woke up to discover that my FN SCAR had gone to live on a wonderful farm. Where neither you nor I can visit…Officer.
Sumdood and the Smith
Ever met Sumdood? Here, have an introduction. Sumdood is pretty famous around these parts, and he’s particularly important to me. That’s because some years ago, I had a wild encounter with him. I was sitting on my front porch, sipping skim milk and reading the Bible, when Sumdood just walked up to me. “Here, Trace,” he said, “have a nice Smith & Wesson M&P Shield. My treat.”
“Wow, Sumdood,” I stuttered. “This is so nice of you! However shall I thank you?” But by the time I finished my sentence, he had mysteriously vanished into thin air in the way that only Sumdood can.
Some months later, while I was once again sitting on the front porch sipping skim milk and reading the Bible, Sumdood came back. This time, he wasn’t in such a giving mood. He pushed me down, stole my lunch money, and made off with that Smith. That’s his nature: Sumdood giveth and Sumdood taketh away. No, I don’t remember what he looked like, OFFICER.
The Pillow Pistol
As I mentioned earlier, I don’t believe in Santa Claus…but I do believe in the Hairline Fairy. You see, every night the Hairline Fairy shows up and takes just a few hairs from my pillow. He’s been doing it for a very long time, as you can tell by the state of my hairline. By the time I had a Friar Tuck tonsure, that fairy had collected enough to leave a present under my pillow in exchange for my precious, long-gone locks: a Desert Eagle chambered in .50. (Suck it, Tooth Fairy!)
Sadly, the Hairline Fairy seems to have some rules I didn’t know about. If I’d known that getting hair plugs would not only make it look like I’m farming forehead pubes, but that it would also break my Desert Eagle contract, I never would have done it. The Hairline Fairy came back and took both my Desert Eagle and my pillow. I’m pretty sure that they are both now being marketed as Good Pillows, and whoever is laying his weary head on them is probably a very happy man. You should go find him, Officer.
So that’s what happened to my guns. What tragic fate befell your guns, readers? Tell us in the comments!
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An old Girlfriend stole my .380. If you ask the City Police you will find the theft report. Buh bye now!
Are you guys kidding me? With the current shortage of guns and resultant ridiculous prices, I sold my guns and used the money to travel. I do have a bunch of ammo available to sale though, at the current ridiculous prices of course.
“Guns? You have a search warrant? …Yes? OK, Search….No? Get the hell off my property!” Enough Said. Remember the 5th!
I know this is for fun and all, but a gentle reminder to you all… if you have to hide your guns, that’s precisely the time you should be bringing them out.
Im not hiding shit! They are in my vault in the basement. If they come to get them they better bring the whole Army. Because over my dead body and out of my cold dead hands! I will kill em all and let god sort em out. And yes, I will die and my house will most likely burn. I’m not afraid to die for my rights. It will be Waco over here. But you know what. I made my stand and fought for it. That should be every answer here. Or you will loose your guns. We have to fight! Not make up stupid stories! I am no Criminal and have never hurt anyone. Except that bar fight… They come here, I leave a pile of bodies in my wake and hell follows with me riding an AR! Wake up folks, Stupid stories and hiding wont get it. Stand right out in front! Locked and loaded and fight!!!! That is the only answer! Where’s my guns? Right fucking here come and get em!!!! Officer.
Calm down. There are some of us who enjoy amusing stories. You may very well go down in a blaze of glory but most people will surrender them. If you’d told me a year ago that everyone would willingly cover their face with a useless piece of cloth because the government top them to, I would have argued with you….’cause we’re Americans and no one bosses us around. Wrong! People willingly complied and even ratted out other for not obeying! They ignored Thanksgiving and stayed home for Christmas. So give me a break with the chest puffing and let the rest of us have a little fun… while it lasts!
Hear hear!
Well said Brian. I’m right there with ya!!!
Good for you!
Hand to God, I thought guns could float. I bought them all little swimsuits and everything. I guess I should have started in a public pool and not an undisclosed location in one of the nearby oceans.
Well Officer,
Some fella named Anifa Blm was here last week and said if I didn’t give up my guns he was gonna burn my house down. After they took them they hit me in the head so hard I don’t even remember what kind of guns they were or how many I had. You know come to think of it. I’m not even sure if I had any guns and that’s why they hit me in the head!
My dog ate them. If I had any guns.
If you think it is time to “lose” your guns, that is the time you need to be finding them.
By the way, if you are going to use the photo verification, make the damned pictures big enough to see!
I was fishing when the boat flipped over and all my guns sank to the bottom of the lake, No I must have hit my head because I don’t remember which lake
Mine will be closed up in an interior wall stud cavity and drywalled over. When the time comes for needing it/them, a quick kick in the right spot will do the trick.
Powder sniffing dogs will sniff them out before you can fart. Even if it is a new gun you bought 20 years ago and never fired nd wrapped in plastic, that one factory round through it is all they need.
And our police have devices that let then see right through the walls.
Well I was trying to lower my guns in an old well in order to hide them when the rope broke. I waited and waited seemed like forever, but it was more like 30 seconds before I heard a splash.
No you guys picked them up last week….really, don’t you keep track of these things……no……well you better start with yourselves first heh-heh
TRUE STORY
I was a cable guy (sorry) about 25 years ago. At a customer’s house-older Italian gentleman. Told me when he was a kid back in Italy ,his father was required by the government to register his hunting guns. You guessed it- loud knock at the door in the early morning hours-govt came to confiscate his guns. Weeks later, they were in WWII !!
And the Italians never got their guns back either! Bottom line is that the government DOES take guns from law-abiding citizens….even as we speak! Any bogus reason will do. For example, I was in New Orleans for Katrina when it was claimed that people were shooting at rescuers (as reported by the liberal media….so, I don’t know if it’s true). Regardless, cops went door to door, forced their way in, searched homes and confiscated guns under martial law. None of the people they stole guns from were shooting at anyone! They were too busy starting to stay alive.
If no one was home, cops kicked in doors and took everyone’s guns away in boats piled high. NO ONE fought back because they were terrified and devastated…and didn’t want to die. Make no mistake, they WILL create confusion and mass chaos. (or take advantage of a terrible disaster)…then they WILL come in the middle of the night. I was a little kid but I watched it happen…..
And that is exactly what the libs want people to ignore!
Where I live the widows of gun owners sometimes sell their husbands guns. There are actually 4-5 guys around that will pay them about 75% of what they are worth. Then resell them.
Several years ago a friend of ours died. He was an avid hunter and had inherited from his father and grandfather several nice old guns. Some were very collectable. His only son had died before him so the guns didn’t get passed along and sat at the widow’s house for years.
One day she decided that she was going to sell them and one of those 75%ers gave her a price on each gun. She is almost like a second mother to my wife and she told her that she was selling the guns. I asked her to see the prices that were given and told her the prices were too low. She asked me to look at them and give her prices for a counter offer. I did and the guy would not buy them. She came back to me and asked if I wanted to buy them for about 90% of their value. Knowing she really did need the money I bought the guns.
A similar issue had happened years before with my mother in law. And I bought her guns. Those along with my dad’s and granddad’s guns filled the safe with guns that I never used. So I began to sell the ones I didn’t want to keep. This seems to have angered the ghost of the husbands and relatives. One day I opened my safe and all my guns were gone. Vanished into thin air.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Great story, I enjoyed it immensely.
That’s a GREAT tale, and entirely plausible. Just like the methodology and results of the last election.
I think you could become a YooToob legend too!! Thanks-
I think selling them all to undocumented migrants in exchange for their stimulus checks is the best one. I’ll have to give some “small room with porcelain stool” thought to more ideas…
It is already happening. They are polite and tell you that you have firearms registered, or they know you have something based on other evidence. They tell you they have an order to take your firearms and they want you to give them up nicely. If you agree they come in and take those that they are coming for. If you refuse they “detain you” while they go get a warrant to search and confiscate all firearms because now they are charging you with every charge they can think of. If it was a “Red Flag” order now you cannot even get your guns back by “proving” you are not a danger because you did not play nice when they first showed up. Constitutionally backwards, but not all that different from what we have been doing to other suspected criminals for years. If you have made statements about Molon Labe that they know about it will be overwhelming force at a time and place of their choosing. You will be alone and if you resist you will die alone and be vilified in the press as a violent outcast from regular society.
That is just what I have been trying to tell people for a long time, but it’s sort of strange that no one is willing to listen until it happens to them, then it’s too late to do anything, I once spent almost a year trying to get back a pistol that the police took from my house because a visitor shot a friend of his with it. both of them were drunk, but that didn’t matter, I was forced to hire an attorney to get my gun back, I should have saved the money and bought a new one later some how my house was broken in to and nothing was missing except that gun.
Reminds me i need to keep a couple of ‘in-plain-sighters’ like a cobra 380 and 410 shotgun i cant find ammo for anymore. Everything else long gone…
I. H a v e a b ox of 410 but no gun. Bought in error.
Lost my job in 2015, had to sell everything I had to relo back to N.Y.S., the wife missed the seasonal changes, since we lived in South Carolina being a retired Marine and my love of my life home address was always SC, broke my damn heart and spirit, never to return, now here in commie land and what with the S.A.F.E. act keeping us all from hurt and harm due to Cuomo the Homos tyrannical iron thumb rule i’ll prolly never own another firearm before I die.
No, officer, I still have my guns. Would you like to see one? Or two? And no, you can’t have them. Perhaps if you go away this will stay friendly.
Sorry officer . I sold all of my guns at a gun show back when there was that so called giant loophole to jump through. I took all the money and hired a lawyer for estate planning. He also said something about you needing a warrant and I have nothing else to say without him being present. So bye bye and have a nice day.
As a young man, my Dad passed away at 45 years old. His wishes were that the guns he had purchased over his short lifetime would go to me, his only son. He had a nearly new Smith&Wesson .38 Police Special Revolver (he had shot it only at the range), a nearly brand new
Remington Model 1100 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun that he only had for a year before his death, an old Winchester bolt action 30-06
and a J. C. Higgins Model 101.1 .410 gauge single shot shotgun. They are still nearly new, but I went ahead and gave them to my only son. I am not dead yet, but I can’t hunt because of a coalmining accident I was in that caused a vertebrae to break in half resulting in two surgeries.
These are true stories, but Ii like all of your stories, especially the one about a bottle washing up on the beach. Good luck when they come to your door demanding you surrender all your firearms.
It reminds me of a movie I saw with Patrick Swayze, “Red Dawn”. Foreign countries, Cuba or some place and Russian forces invade a small Colorado town and it is left up to some young people to hold them off.
If our government tries to take our weapons and our military and police departments defunded, it would make it easy for it to happen to modern day America. Maybe they will take over Washington D.C. this time.
Pretty sure the commies already took over D.C…..
Quick and easy, “my wife sold my guns while I was camping.”
jeff – did she sell them for what you told her you paid for them? Asking for a friend.;-)
FWIW – about the only thing my ex didn’t walk off with when she departed was my guns. And no, officer friendly, you can’t have them either.
On the flipside of this story, I received a Phone call from the police department in North Carolina and the sergeant informed me The firearm that really was stolen had been recovered the night before. Since I used to do that kind of work as well I understood that the person that had it was in jail and that they had to hold it as evidence until after the trial. He have no idea what condition it was in, However I am hopeful! Officer! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I received a visit from an official, from the firearms retrieval unit, or so his I’d said, he told me certain guns were outlawed and all my guns were on the list. I couldn’t go against the government so I turned them over, all I have are eight steak knives now, ohh, was he supposed to give me a receipt or something? I don’t remember his name, funny how they don’t have badges.
Considering that the commies in DC WILL scuttle the Second Amendment, I decided to maximize my investment in firearms and go ahead and sell them while the prices are still at their highest, and it’s still legal to sell them. My hope is that someday the Constitution will be respected once again, but it doesn’t look good right now.
It’s the Biden years. I sold all my guns to “undocumented migrants” for their stimulus check.
Love it! This is my new go to phrase since I’ll be moving to home to Texas.
Burry your guns & ammo and break out a window in your house. Call the Sherriff and report a burglary. Keep the guns buried until they’re needed for the war.
I was out in the river setting my decoys when a crabbing boat came flying down the river and tipped me over. I lost my carry 45, my 12 ga auto and my ar10 I was taking to the range after duck hunting. That’s how I lost those guns. I tried to recover them but the current was to fast. I managed to retrieve my empty boat. There is so much mud at the bottom of that river I’ll never find them.😁
I lost mine in a dumpster fire in Kenosha last summer. I tried putting out the fire, but I was chased off by some peaceful guys that were trying to help the country with another matter.
The lost my gun in a boating accident, officer sounds the most plausible. Great stories!!!!
…You have TOO MUCH TIME on your hands. Molon Labe!
Molon Labe translates to “having come; take”. It’s the response to a challenge. Nobody’s coming for your guns you nitwit.
Carl, it’s hard to believe anyone could be so misinformed, I suggest you research Joe Biden an “Hell Yes! Beto”.
I betting he is a paid to post of pro Freedom platforms.
How much do you think I get per post?
You get to go “oral” on some some guy for each post….I’ll bet you post multiple tims a day at that rate!
I was recently abducted by extraterrestrial beings and subjected to horrific experimentation over the course of several weeks. My spouse made contact with my abductors and negotiated my release by ransoming away all nine guns safes and seven cases of MREs that I had stashed away. I remain grateful for my negotiated freedom though I hope my abductors succumb to MRE induced diarrhea long before they gain access to the contents of my safes….., Officer.
this one is the best lmao
FUNNY! I’m a kindred chairborne ranger fighting a terminal illness. (really) Have been a shooter hunter all my 70 years. Need all the yucks I can get. I think I saw Sumdood last week at the gun store, but he wasn’t giving away EDCs. Oh well. Keep up the funny lines.
Very clever and funny. I love “Sumdood” and will borrow it immediately for my own humble scribblings. “Appropriate” might be a more accurate verb than “borrow” ‘cos I’m old and failure to give credit where due is forgivable in the elderly, Anyway, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it, Officer!
Is that ‘Sumdood’ or ‘Sumdude’?
Yes it is…
I recall he story that says ” when they come for your guns, give them the bullets first.” :o)