Time For “Common Sense” Boards-With-Nails-In-Them Control!

Not depicted: Shoulder thing that goes up

Our gun-grabbing guest columnist, Ima Nidiot, is in a tizzy over Board With A Nail In It control. Here’s why.

For years, you pro Second Amendment people have been mocking me and my gun-grabbing goodbuddies by saying that pretty much any object can be made into a weapon if you’re feeling creative, and that maybe I ought to start a campaign to outlaw boards with nails in them. Well, you all laughed at me and I hope you enjoyed it because there’s news coming from the Indo-Chinese border that proves me right: Galwan Valley: Image appears to show nail-studded rods used in India-China brawl. Who’s laughing now? Me, Ima Nidiot, and as you can clearly see, the time has come for some sensible Board With A Nail In It (BWANII) control!

Once upon a time, I was willing to let people have a BWANII or two around the house so they could use them to go rabbit hunting. But why would you bother with that when you can just go to the store and buy meat without hurting any animals? Also, it’s obvious that today’s BWANIIs are not the same as your grandpa’s cherished old walnut-stocked BWANII. No, these are a whole new breed of ultra-lethal BWANIIs, and we must ban them immediately.

If you look at that photograph above, you can see it’s a military-grade ultra-lethal double-barrel extended 100-round nail assault board. It’s the sort of board that only the police should have, not untrained civilians. (Also, we should get rid of the police.) Obviously, that’s chambered in a completely inhumane 2X4.HomeDepot Mag., which is illegal according to either the Geneva Accords or to the dream I had last night after eating too much tofurkey.

Now, are you ready to get really triggered, terrified, and a little soggy in the seat? Any terrorist can own an assault BWANII–no questions asked, no fingerprints taken, no license. What’s more, right now, BWANII nuts everywhere are stockpiling boards with nails in them. Some insane people have not just hundreds, but literally thousands of them hidden right there just behind the drywall in their homes–and many of those homes have children in them!

Would you like to know the worst part? Right now, as I write, there is virtually no government control over who has BWANIIs, where those BWANIIs are, and how many are out there…and we just cannot have that, because any time I don’t have the government telling me what I can and cannot do I start getting anxious and need to spend about an hour with my life-size Beto O’Rourke cardboard cutout.

Why, there aren’t even any regulations in place about who can sell these lethal murder machines. Right now, you can buy as many BWANIIs as you want at any kitchen-table “hardwoods dealer” without a background check or registering your assault BWANII. In fact there’s a giant leaking loophole in the laws that means that a BWANII nut could just buy the components of a weapon of war and then assemble it at home with no licensing required.

Depicted: Unprecedented stockpile of BWANIIs

You paranoid, bitterly clinging gun nuts can try to tell me that it’s not the weapon but the user who wields it that makes the difference between good and evil, but guess what? La la la, I can’t hear you, because I’m stuffed ear to ear full of boards with nails in them! (And tapioca pudding.) Who’s with me on the next great crusade to get a little Common-Sense BWANII Control into our legislature? Tell me in the comments what other terrible weapons of war might be lying around in every American’s home, so we can ban those too!