How to Translate “Gun Reviewese” to English

Close enough.

Ever wondered what those stock phrases you see in gun reviews really mean?

If you’re a fan of gun reviews, chances are you’ve noticed there are certain things that gun writers tend to say a lot. Chances also are that you took those things at face value. But, if you’re hip to the lingo and know what to look for, there’s much more information to be gleaned from your average article describing the process of testing a new gun. So here’s a handy cribsheet for you to help you translate “gun reviewese” to English…

Gun Reviewese: “I found recoil sharp, but manageable.”

English: “I wrote this review one-handed because my wrist is still throbbing two days later. You know how some people say a gun ‘kicks like a mule’? This thing kicked me like I was the mule, and I was rented. This gun’s recoil was so intense that after I fired the third shot my twin brother called me up crying and begging me to stop because he could feel it. If I ever get mugged, though, this is the gun I want to have on me…I’ll just threaten to force the mugger to pull the trigger on this.”

Gun Reviewese: “After a few failures to feed, I discovered that this gun is a little picky about ammunition.”

English: “This gun is basically the firearm equivalent of those crazy concert riders that divas and rock stars give venues. This gun not only wants six dozen fresh, ivory-colored roses and a sushi platter, it wants you to pick all the brown M&Ms out of the bowl and not make eye contact with it. This gun is even more expensive to feed than Trace Munson’s ex-wife.”

Gun Reviewese: “After experiencing [some problem], I called the manufacturer and they recommended…”

English: “…that I should wait for them to send me a new one.”

Gun Reviewese: “I found the slide operation to be a bit stiff, but after the break-in period I’m confident it will ease.”

English: “Racking the slide on this bad boy while maintaining a safe muzzle direction was, on the difficulty scale, somewhere in between Marine drown-proofing and doing a one-handed pushup while singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ in tune. I may or may not have turned purple, but I honestly couldn’t tell you because thanks to all the burst blood vessels in my eyes my vision is kinda pinkish right now.”

Gun Reviewese: “Certainly plenty accurate at self-defense distances.”

English: “As long as what you’re defending yourself against isn’t any further away than bad-breath distance. And by bad-breath distance, I mean ‘too much garlic in the spaghetti,’ not ‘durian fruit.’ The Weekly World News has reports on Batboy’s latest movements that are more accurate than this thing. I pointed it at the side of a barn and the barn escaped unscathed.”

What are your favorite gun-review euphemisms? Tell us in the comments!