In my quest for the One Rifle To Rule Them All, I had flustered Florida and shocked Las Vegas. I had worn my 5”11 tactical heels down to nubs, and my MOLLE bikini was fraying, but I had one more idea up my shoulder holster about where to find the Rifle…and, now, I had an idea of what it would look like when I saw it.
As I disembarked from the plane in Oahu, I repeated to myself what I knew about the One Rifle:
It has everything a long-range shooter could want. Hunters can use it to bag any game they desire. The very sight of it would set home invaders to terror and madness. It was guarded by the Lounge Lizards, an ancient order of reptiles dedicated to smooth jazz, pickup lines, and fruity tropical drinks. I knew that the Lounge Lizards needed two things to survive: warmth, and a place to live that existed out of time. Finally, the Rifle was built in the image of its temple, the Tiki Lounge.
I’d hardly gotten past the gate when a lovely young man encircled my neck with a strand of plumeria. “I didn’t think I’d get lei’d this soon after my flight,” I quipped.
“Ha ha, what an excellent joke,” monotoned the boy, “I’ve never heard that one before.”
“I take it you’re getting tired of lei’ing tourists,” I replied. “Would you like to take a break? I could use a good guide to the area. It’s like a mythical quest and stuff, all very dramatic. Want in?”
“Sounds aloha,” he shrugged, “and it’s definitely more plot than I’m used to with these things. Turn up the funky backbeat and come with me…I’m parked in the rear.”
“You look like that kinda guy,” I mused. “What’s your name?” I queried, as he struggled to keep up with my mile-long legs.
“Short Round,” he panted by way of answer.
“Were your parents big fans of the Indiana Jones series, by any chance?” I puzzled. “Because if so, that’s really perfect. Except I’m pretty sure we’re not going to have to eat any monkey brains.”
“Yeah, the Supply family is really big on ‘80s-era action cinema,” he answered casually, ushering me to his car. Naturally, his radio was tuned to the bow-chicka-bow-wow channel.
As we cruised the island, Short Round Supply and I talked about The One Rifle To Rule Them All. I excitedly told him that we should start looking for a tiki lounge—after all, they were pretty much extinct, so that seemed like a great place to find the Lounge Lizards.
“Nah brah,” grumbled Short Round. “We got Tiki Lounges all over the place in Hawaii. Tourists love ‘em.”
“Balls,” I cursed, casually tapping a ramrod against my lips, which is just a thing I do when my muzzleloader is all I can bring with me and I need to relax. But Short Round seemed more than a little shocked.
“What is that thing?” he gasped.
“It’s a muzzleloader ramrod,” I sighed, as the funky backbeat went back to smooth jazz, which is how I knew that we had more boring plot to get through. “I have it because it’s not technically a firearm, so I won’t get any grief about having it here in Hawaii. This state…doesn’t really like the Second Amendment much, does it?”
“That’s IT!” barked Short Round. “We don’t just need a tiki lounge. We need a tiki lounge where they allow concealed carry! Here in Hawaii! There’s your ‘paradox,’ Lubricia!”
“Is there one?” I jiggled in my excitement. “Can you take me there?”
“Uhh, yes,” answered Short Round. “But it’s not really a safe place to go. Not because of the CCW. Because of the bouncer. He checks IDs, he checks permits, and he’ll probably check you right before he wrecks you.”
“Baby,” I cooed bustily, “I’m an expert in everything that goes ‘bang,’ and I bounce better than just about anyone. You just get me to the door, and I’ll do the rest.” I dabbed a little Hoppe’s #9 behind my ears, and swabbed a bit of Cosmoline…well, elsewhere.
Oahu isn’t all that big, so we were pulling up outside the tiki lounge in minutes. Constructed of the tropical hardwoods I love, and adorned with fire-breathing tiki statues, the lounge stood out against the jungle in the deepening dark. The façade was carved into a giant face, forbidding mouth closed firmly. Flaming torches picked out the name of the bar: XDMAN’s Taxidermy and Tiki Bar.
“What the hell is an XDMAN anyway?” I asked Short Round as we approached the lounge. “That’s a tongue twister too tight, even for me…”
Just then, the giant “mouth” of the face dropped open dramatically, lower jaw hitting the soil. A raw, deep, booming voice answered:
“I AM XDMAN. WHO DARES APPROACH MY TIKI BAR?”
“Lubricia Cosmoline,” I purred, running my forefinger down my sweaty cleavage, “and I’ve got an awful thirst.”
“YOU’RE HERE FOR THE ONE RIFLE TO RULE THEM ALL, AREN’T YOU? THE VEGAS LIZARDS WARNED ME SOME WEIRD HALF-NAKED LADY WHO LOVES MAKING DIRTY JOKES ABOUT GUNS WAS GOING TO BE COMING SOON.”
“Can we can it with the all-caps?” I complained. “I mean, I know we’re both shooters and therefore deaf as posts because suppressors are such a pain to buy, but…”
“Fine,” grumbled XDMAN, stepping out of the doorway and into the light. “But that doesn’t mean I’m just going to hand you the One Rifle To Rule Them All.”
“You have it?” I marveled. “You have the One True Rifle? Can you use it to go ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack?”
“You can even use it to go da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!” he answered. “You can go heee-yaaah!” And that’s when he showed me. It was…magical.
Prepare for the magic…
I sidled up towards him slowly, as the tiki lounge music segued suddenly to a deep, rhythmic drumbeat. That’s how I knew that this was the climax…of the story, of course. “Can I see it?” I purred, bouncing gently on my heels to make everything wiggle like a bowl full of ballistic gelatin. “I bet it’s really, really big.”
“It’s…uh…yeah, I guess you could say so,” mumbled XDMAN, looking a little uncomfortable.
“And I bet it’s got a lovely little muzzle brake, just in case the shooter doesn’t like it rough,” I hazarded, “which is too bad, because I love riding the recoil.”
“Uhm, I…suppose so,” the Rifle’s guardian said.
“Tell me about the rail,” I sighed. “I love getting railed, too.”
XDMAN’s eyes shifted back and forth, as if looking for help. “It’s an…MLOK rail…”
“PLEASE JUST STOP—I’LL GIVE YOU THE RIFLE!” shouted XDMAN, who was back to all-caps and completely out of patience. “NOW TAKE IT AND YOUR STUPID JOKES AND GET OUT OF HERE!”
And there it was, Lovers: The most amazing rifle I’d ever seen. It had every aftermarket gizmo known to man tacked, drilled, or welded to its body. Dressed in fruity tropical colors and with a lei for a sling, it was, hands-down, every bit as bizarrely alluring as…well, me.
“This rifle,” I gasped bustily, “it’s as if it were made just for me. Can it be? Am I the Chosen One? Am I the ultimate wielder of this gun?”
“Of that one, sure,” replied the final boss of my adventure, a lot less scary now that the Red Bull had worn off. “But there’s a One Rifle to Rule Them All for everyone. I just happen to be the only guy who can make ’em.”
And that, lovers, is the story of how the your Rifle to Rule Them All is Guns & Gadget Daily’s latest giveaway!
If you get lucky with the After Dark Giveaway, here’s what you’ll receive:
One Diamondback, DB15WSB, Semi-automatic Rifle, 223 Rem/556NATO, 16″ Black Barrel, Black Finish, 30Rd, 15″ MLOK Rail, 1 Metal Magazine, Valued at $524.99
One custom paint job, to your specifications, by the one and only XDMAN, Valued at $500
I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I kind of need a cigarette. I’ll be back to Guns & Gadgets Daily soon, but if you just can’t wait for more…well, then, you’re definitely my kind of reader. Follow me on Instagram for more adventures…I’m @LubriciaCosmoline!