Lubricia’s back with another reader letter!
Hello, lovers! I’m Lubricia Cosmoline, your hoe-stess of “After Dark.” As a long-time aficionado of everything that goes “bang,” I seek to offer a platform for all of your most intimate, personal experiences in the world of guns and hunting. I’ve seen it all—a .50 BMG can’t go too far for me! So sit back, unholster, and get ready for today’s letter…I call it “Breaking-In My Holster.”
Dear Lubricia Cosmoline,
I never thought it would happen to me, but I’ve recently had a huge breakthrough in my private life, and I just had to share some hints in case they help someone else! You see, Lubricia, as a stunning late-teens Latina with a guitar-shaped silhouette, huge, lustrous black eyes, and a saucy waterfall of curly black hair, I’ve smuggled my fair share of blued steel. But my deepest, darkest secret is this: Up until a few days ago, I’d actually never used my holster to do it.
The few people I’ve told have been incredulous at that fact, Lubricia! “You?” they say. “But everyone knows just how much you love to pack a long-barreled pistol!”
That’s true, but the words of my wise abuela always echo in my ears: “Mi cara, your leather holster is very special, and you should save it for your one true gun. It will be much work at first, but then the true joy can begin!” And up until a few days ago, that’s just what I did…hiding pieces down the back of my pants if I had to, or tucking them in my firm, perky cleavage. Then I finally made the commitment to a brand-new Taurus Raging Judge. I was finally ready to take the plunge, and put it in my holster.
I lit some candles, put on some soothing music, and gazed lovingly at the Rager before me. Carefully, gently, I guided the muzzle into the supple entrance…and, with a bit of effort, it slid in. Pleasantly surprised at the ease with which I’d taken to this novel and beautiful experience, I then tried a nice quick-draw.
It was stuck! I couldn’t get it out! I was starting to sweat—this wasn’t a comfortable experience at all! Was the Rager just too girthy, or was my holster just too stiff and tight? Did this mean we weren’t compatible after all? With some wiggling—and lots of jiggling—I was finally able to free the Rager from the fragrant leather. Panting and red-faced, I realized that there was only one thing for it, and slid the Taurus right back into the holster pocket. And out…and in again, until I was a little bit sore and shaky.
But still, the next morning, my holster was still uncomfortably tight and slow to draw. I took to the Internet, where I had my first no-duh moment: I should just use some lubricant! Reaching into my nightstand, I grabbed a bottle of Leather Lightning and eagerly greased my holster pocket, gently massaging it into the supple grain. Slowly, I eased the Raging Judge’s 6.5-inch blued steel barrel into the taut leather once more. Ay Papi! This time, the draw was better…but still much too slow for a woman as nubile and curvy as myself. Pouting, I returned to my Googling.
There, the answer awaited me: In addition to using plenty of lube, I should wrap that rascal! Oddly, my research seemed to say that it was perfectly okay to use whatever I had lying around—even a plastic shopping bag or some waxed paper, which confused me because I remember them saying in Health class that wouldn’t work. But my adventurous nature is matched only by the way my globular buttocks deny the laws of Euclidian geometry, so I mischievously fetched a grocery bag and wrapped it carefully around the thick cylinder.
Everyone always told me that doing that would take all the fun out of breaking-in my holster, but I could certainly feel everything! And it was true—the little bit of extra slipperiness and circumference was definitely helping to loosen things up in the best possible way. After just a few hours’ worth of working that .454 toro in and out of the holster, I had done it at last—my draw was now as slippery-smooth as that of Zorro himself. A classical guitar strummed a quick riff as my pillowy lips curved in a smile. Mi abuela was right after all…the fun was just beginning!